Sunday, May 21, 2017

Saturday

Some days, I find myself not making my relationship with my husband the priority it deserves. I find my attention drifting to other things whether it be kids, housework, friends, or general busyness.  I found myself in such a place last evening, not a fun place to be, let me share with you...

It was a good Saturday.  Nothing really going on for most of us, which is definitely unusual.  Hoss had to work for several hours in the afternoon, but had decided to take one of our older kids to a special outing in the morning.  That was fine, I was feeling up to doing cleaning and laundry and parenting, so no real worries. 

By mid morning, I was feeling off.  I did laundry and puttered around, but  my body was telling me to rest.  I did.  I crawled into bed.   As I laid back on my pillows I chatted with friends, checked my email, read some, kept myself busy with folding laundry.  I was frustrated with Hoss, though.  When I have a really down day health wise he wants to help, check in often, care for me, even when he is at work. Most days I do not mind this, it's very loving.  Not yesterday.  Yesterday, I felt he was mother henning me to death.  He kept questioning me about not feeling well, questioning me about taking my meds, overall, he was, well, just bugging me and driving me nuts.  I was feeling snippy by the time he'd called a second time.  I held my tongue, but was just having a tough time of it.  

When we got off the phone, I decided maybe a nap was in order and fell asleep quickly.  When I woke up I did feel some better.  Unfortunately, by the time he arrived home later that night I found myself "touched out".  As a mom of many, there are days I literally become overly sensitive to touch.   Yesterday was one of those days.  When I become "touched out" I tend to also find myself with an attitude.  Last night, I also found myself to be very busy.  I was still feeling cranky and wanted to avoid my sweet man.  I decided then that I had the energy to do sorts of things.  I went to switch laundry around, I went to check on the kids, I did stuff.  I had to go back into our room to locate a few more hangers and fussed that I could not find enough hangers for his work clothes.  He asked if he could help and I told him, "no," while I continued to stew.   Some days I can be such a brat.

I still was not feeling well and my body finally yelled at me to rest.  I crawled into bed, but as I did so, I turned my back on him and began messaging my dd friend, Bea.  She had no idea I was using her as an escape, while I continued to ignore my husband as we messaged back and forth.  I know, that had she known I was struggling, she would have talked me off the ledge and told me to make up with my man.  She's very helpful like that.  I was feeling very stubborn and did not want help calming myself down.    
Let's just say, there are days Bea has her hands full when talking some sense into me!

Hoss began to try to coax me away from my precious phone.  He knew I was tired and he was desperately trying to give me grace.  He asked me to cuddle with him.  I told him I was all touched out. He suggested we talk or watch tv together.  I told him I had nothing to say to him.  He turned his back on me.  His anger was apparent and I knew that once his anger calmed down a bit I would be in for one unpleasant reckoning.  

Now, for some of you, your husbands would have reacted immediately to this kind of behavior.  Our circumstances are not such that we can always handle things right then and there.  Yes, I had crossed a line.  Yes, I knew he would deal with things in due time.  But not right then. We had kids still awake upstairs.  He knew this.  He also knew his anger was not in check.  He said to turn out the light he was going to bed.  I did and shame washed over me.  Here was my sweet man, who had taken time out of his work day to check on me, love on me from afar, allowed me so much grace and I'd acted like I could not give him the time of day.  My heart was sad.  I tried to rub his back.  I tried to get him to talk to me. He refused and told me to put the kids to bed.  I went and did as I was told, but could not sleep.

In the early hour of the morning, when the kids were all still tucked in bed, I paid for my nasty, ungrateful attitude with a mighty hard reminder of how I was to treat my man.  I did not beg to be let up as I often do.  I did not have a snarky or sarcastic attitude either.  I needed that reset as much as he did. Then, when he did let me up, we talked it all out.  He was still very upset.  I asked if he was done spanking.  He thought it over for about half a second.
No, round two commenced even harder.  When it was finally over and both our attitudes were restored to rights, I was so sore.  I cuddled into him as he held me.  

I am thankful for all the reconnect the spanking brought.  The wonderful thing is the anger was completely gone.  There was no lasting feelings of guilt or frustration.  We had dealt with the issue.  I was in the proper mindset to be submissive and today went well.  In the past, our anger or frustration could have lingered for hours if not days.  
Today I was able to appreciate every touch, every kiss, every phone call.  I was able to find my happiness in submitting to my man.  And it was truly wonderful.  

Have a great Monday, everyone!
--Baker 





Friday, May 19, 2017

My Un-TTWD Post

Hello, out there!  What a great morning to write.  So, the title today is exactly what it means.  I feel compelled to share some things with you that are not particularly TTWD related, but felt it may help some of you who were curious about why I had been rather sporadic in my posts of late.  Well, not the last few days, but over the past few months.  

TTWD/DD is definitely alive and well here, but it's a bit different.  I have had some health issues that are effecting our day to day lives and that has made doing anything extra rather...challenging?  I guess that's the correct wording.  At least, that is what I"m going with right now.  So let's chat a bit and see if I can explain things better.  Let's see if I can pull out my courage, as I rarely like to give time to such matters, but really want to share in case it may help someone else.

In my early years of college I had some "episodes" of fainting and low energy.  My parents were proactive and tried to figure out was going on.  There were times my energy level would drop out of no where and I was often exhausted and dehydrated for no known reason.  After a plethora of testing it was finally deemed I was hypoglycemic.  So, the recommendations consisted of small meals throughout the day and it seemed to regulate the problem.  No, real concern and things finally worked themselves out as I learned that a granola bar did not constitute a meal.  Yes, I was a college girl who would forget to eat and busy with school and work.  

After college I began my career and worked extremely long hours, but always had snacks on hand.  Fast forward a few years and Hoss and I were dating.  That December life changed in more ways than just an engagement.  I lost 20 pounds, started losing my hair, could not control my body temperature and would have frequent chills and bouts of confusion.  More testing.  The day after Christmas my doctor called and informed me that my thyroid had gone hyper to the point I was literally in danger of dying from a thyroid storm.  My levels were so high!  A mere three weeks later my thyroid was completely removed along with some of my parathyroids.  I'd had a goiter that was benign, but had caused things to go cattywampus.  Poor Hoss, I have no idea how he tolerated all of the craziness, but I'm so happy he did!


Fast forward a few months to a lovely wedding and a honeymoon.  A busy start to our life and things were running fairly smoothly until I became pregnant.  A few weeks in morning sickness hit with vengeance.  No, problem, right?  Everyone has morning sickness.  By week 13, I was feeling better, but then something else started to happen.  What we came to know as "lows" or "drops" happened frequently.  The doctors were not sure what was going on, but the OBGYN kept adjusting my thyroid meds as that seems to be the problem and I drank a ton of electrolytes and ate those small meals (and sometimes not so small meals) a day.  Love those pregnancy craving!  Things went well.  We had a beautiful new baby and lots of love to go around.  Each subsequent pregnancy brought more of the same.  Lots of drops and morning sickness worse with every pregnancy until the last one which literally went until my third trimester.  My OBGYN, recommended an endocrinologist, but my insurance would not cover it because our family doctor did not see it as necessary.  I made the mistake and let it go.  We were done with having babies and all seemed fine, well I coped.  I never had energy.  I liked our doctor and did not want to change just so I could see a specialist.  I was getting by.  I did not want to make waves.  I used a ton of excuses.  I became depressed.

Fast forward to the fact that we started TTWD/DD and Hoss found his voice.  Finally, when my cousin passed suddenly in March, and had similar symptoms throughout her life as I have had, he said, enough.  Hoss had me make a doctor's appointment with our doctor and when the results came back "fine" he said, "No, you go back in there and tell him you need to see an endo."  Well, I did.  My doctor told me it was a waste of time, that my thyroid numbers were all within normal range and I would be disappointed when the endo doc did nothing for me.  He also said it would take several months because of there being only a few endocrinologist in our area.  I said it was worth the risk and when I had an appointment the following week. Yes, literally the following week,  Hoss went with me.  

Guess what?  Yeah, I'm sure you already guessed.  My level were not correct.  Not only that they were severely out of whack.  So the specialist recommended some changes, but said it would take several weeks for my body to adjust to the additional meds.  Well, it felt like I've been stuck in crazy town for the last eight weeks.  Adjustments mean I have had times of no energy, times of wild hormones, inability to regulate my body temperature, heart racing or slowing, among other symptoms as my body tries to adjust to the medications.  

Let's just say, if my sweet hubby had not found a voice I would have settled for status quo.  I'm just complacent and do not like to make waves.  I put myself in a dangerous spot, but things are better.  Yes, my man said, "I told you so!"  Even so, Hoss has had to give me a great amount of leeway.  If I am tired I have to nap.  This is not an option.  The doctor insisted that was one of the best things to do was to listen to my body.  Eat my beloved carbs, no dieting until I go back in June.  Then hopefully, I will be able to find a lower carb diet that will not exasperate the symptoms.  The ultra low carb diet was making my condition worse.  So, I am coming back.  The lows and drops are less, bouts of craziness better, and energy is returning. 

So why share all of this?  I am hoping at least one person will learn from my mistakes.  Do not settle when it comes to your health.  Maybe, you have thought there was something wrong and your doctor has said things were fine.  Maybe, you have a lack of energy and wonder, if there may be a problem going on, but do not follow through.  Who knows, maybe the whole purpose of this post is to motivate you to push harder to find an answer.  Whatever the reason I felt so compelled to write this, I hope it helps someone.  Trust me, it is very hard for me to share as it is such a personal and scary experience for me, but I want to be real and truthful.  I want you to know that I care about those out there who are struggling and realize I struggle to.  I struggle to acknowledge I am not super woman, even though many tease me that I am.  I'm just me, doing the best I can, with one of the most amazing man to love me.


Thanks for listening.  Sending my love to you all.  
--Baker










Wednesday, May 17, 2017

When Will?

I really enjoyed writing my “When Did…” post from a week or so ago, but this morning I began to think of something else, yet similar.  This time I began to wonder about the negative stuff that I also worry about.  I began to think about my eagerness to always run ahead of the game.
Not, being patient.  Lord, knows I’m not a patient person.  I am wondering who also found or finds these things to be true in their ttwd marriage.

When will I remember to not talk over him?  That his words are just as important as mine?  I found myself faltering just this morning when he was reminding me about buying containers for the cereal boxes. It annoys him that the kids open a ton of boxes and then leave them open.  It was a small thing in the great scheme of things, but talking over him and not letting him explain his side is not a small thing.  It shows him that I do not respect his opinion.  It can definitely harm our marriage and my bottom if I continue to disregard the importance of his words.

When will I stop rushing about trying to learn everything there is to know about ttwd/dd and just relax and enjoy in the moment?  I am doing better here, but it always feels like others know so much more than me, are quicker to catch on to submission, etc. I often feel behind the eight ball.  I let my eagerness turn to frustration.  I need to slow down and stop getting ahead of myself.  

When will the little voice inside my head shut up already that I’ll never get this right?  It’s a process, I know that, but my self doubt can scream loudly sometimes and I get caught up in feeling down.  We have already made so many improvements, but yet I still beat myself up.
 
(insert heck for the other word)

When will I believe him when he says, “You’re beautiful, and I’m happy you’re all mine?”  When will I let that self doubt go?  I’m being perfectly honest here that I am not a make up girl. I live in jeans and a t-shirt, and most of the time I’m good with that.  I’m comfort in that attire.  Lately, though, I long for dressing up for work and fixing my hair anyway except in a ponytail.  I feel like a harried homely creature who cannot stay on top of anything, especially the laundry, but he still wants to wrap his arms around me and love me for who I am and where I am right now.  It’s me that gets in the way of his acceptance, those voices that made me doubt. 

When will I remember that he’s in charge?  I mean seriously, I so know this one, but for some reason, my brain cannot stop my mouth sometimes.  It’s like I think, or rather do not think, he will notice. Trust me, he notices.  There are days I wish I could duct tape my mouth shut, that sassiness just flows that easily.


When will I stop distancing myself?  We get close, I back up, he pulls me closer.  I put up a little wall and he knocks it over.  I have trust issues and he knows this is how I cope.   Before I could build an entire castle up and he’d quietly knock on the door and some days I would let him in.  Now, he knows if I start to slip away he needs to grab ahold before I find myself spiraling down.  Know this, he has nothing to diminish my trust. It’s trust issues from long ago that we are working on together, but we are working on them and all dragons cannot be slayed in one day, no matter how we wish they were.

When will I obey the first time?  Hmmm, this one is harder.  I still like to argue my point, but not to the point of a spanking, well, at least not most days.  I do want to submit, unless I don’t.   That’s where I have an internal struggle.  This is not his struggle.  He is getting better at holding me accountable, and I am getting better about automatically doing what he asks, but there are days when this someone wishes she could just learn to zip her mouth closed shut. 

When will I stop this post?  Now, seems good to me.  
--Baker

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Terps' Meme

I love short answers to things, so this meme was super fun for me to do and I followed the rules for a change!  



1.   Where is your phone? 



2.   Your hair? 



3.   Your dad? 

4.   Your other half? 


5.   Your favorite food?

6.   Your dream last night?

7.   Your favorite drink?

8.   Fear? 


9.   Favorite Shoes? 

10. Favorite way to relax? 

11. Your mood?

12. I love? 


13. Where were you last night? 

14. Something that you aren't?

15. Muffins? 


16. Wish list item? 


17. Where you grew up? 


18. Last thing you did? 


19. What are you wearing right now? 


20. Something you hate? 


21. Your pets? 


22. Friends? 

23. Life? 

24. Regrets? 

25. Missing someone? 

Okay, I did not exactly go by the rules, but I finished it!
Have a great day!
--Baker

Friday, May 5, 2017

When Did.....?

Not so many moons ago we started this little adventure and as I was pondering things this morning I came up with the reality that I have no idea when things changed.  I’m certain it was and is the same for most of you as well.  So, here is a bit of my wandering thoughts.

When did Hoss become a spanko?  Like when did that happen?  My sweet man who has always treated me like a prize (and continues to do so) and would never hurt me has become, a spanko.  Now, you ask, how do I know this? Well, the man gets a certain twinkle in his eyes when he or I mention words like Bertha, Senor Loopy or Sid.  He smiles wide and is at peace just by saying one of their names calmly to himself.  Yes, my friends, when did this wonderful man find his inner spanko.  As the old Tootsie Pop commercial says, “The World May Never Know!”  
I still love the tootsie pop commercial from when I was a kid.


When did this go from something I wanted. to something we both crave?  I’d love to know when that transition occurred.  It started out as something to help me feel complete and it evolved into something so much more than just being about me and my needs.  It became about him, me, us.  It strengthened our resolve to not be a statistic.  To cherish one another daily.  
Well, not exactly that kind of craving, but well....


When did we slip into our roles of a traditional husband and wife?  It was something to help our marriage, yes.  But when did it become where I meet him at the door excited to see him.  No, not Ward and June Cleaver stuff, but definitely something that is more affirming, more romantic, more intimate. Where I know he is in charge and it makes my heart beat faster just thinking of him.
Awwww


When did the spankings make things go from, “Hey, I’ll do this for you, but I don’t want to hurt you,” to “Hey, get over here, I’m going to spank some sense into you?”  Like, seriously, when did that happen?  I want to know when he went from spank carefully, my wife is fragile, to spank happy man? There are days I want Mr. Spank Carefully to return.  Geez.
This one speaks for itself.


When did once in awhile “exercise” become apart of the daily routine.  It “came’ quickly, I’d say.  Let’s just leave that one alone, why don’t we…..
Duh, no brainer.


When did the focus change from individual, do your own thing, to checking in and making sure we were both good with our plans.  That need to be connected daily and when the connection is not there it is not ignored, but felt deeply.  And knowing there is a way to improve it.


When did we become so connected?  I never remember allowing myself to feel so deeply and yet feel so much more myself at the same time.  Our connection has grown, but I also feel like we are both still so uniquely individual, but more of who we were before, if that make sense.  It as though by being a stronger couple we are allowed the freedom to be more of who we are as individuals as well.


When did I allow myself this vulnerability?  I have always been such an independent woman.  Even as a little girl I “didn’t need any help” and yet now I crave his help.  I want and value his input and wisdom.  In allowing myself to be vulnerable, I’ve allowed him to be affirmed in his role as my protector and leader than ever before.
I could not choose between the two of these, so I'm giving you both.



When did all of these things happen?  I do not know, but I’m so thankful they did.

I could go on, but I’m also very curious from the rest of you out there.  When did….(fill in the blank) happen?  I’d love to hear from everyone who stops in, even if you do not have a when did, please feel free to just say, “Hi.”  Thanks again for reading.

And just because it's Friday!


--Baker