When will I remember to not talk over him? That his words are just as important as mine? I found myself faltering just this morning when he was reminding me about buying containers for the cereal boxes. It annoys him that the kids open a ton of boxes and then leave them open. It was a small thing in the great scheme of things, but talking over him and not letting him explain his side is not a small thing. It shows him that I do not respect his opinion. It can definitely harm our marriage and my bottom if I continue to disregard the importance of his words.
When will I stop rushing about trying to learn everything there is to know about ttwd/dd and just relax and enjoy in the moment? I am doing better here, but it always feels like others know so much more than me, are quicker to catch on to submission, etc. I often feel behind the eight ball. I let my eagerness turn to frustration. I need to slow down and stop getting ahead of myself.
When will the little voice inside my head shut up already that I’ll never get this right? It’s a process, I know that, but my self doubt can scream loudly sometimes and I get caught up in feeling down. We have already made so many improvements, but yet I still beat myself up.
(insert heck for the other word)
When will I believe him when he says, “You’re beautiful, and I’m happy you’re all mine?” When will I let that self doubt go? I’m being perfectly honest here that I am not a make up girl. I live in jeans and a t-shirt, and most of the time I’m good with that. I’m comfort in that attire. Lately, though, I long for dressing up for work and fixing my hair anyway except in a ponytail. I feel like a harried homely creature who cannot stay on top of anything, especially the laundry, but he still wants to wrap his arms around me and love me for who I am and where I am right now. It’s me that gets in the way of his acceptance, those voices that made me doubt.
When will I remember that he’s in charge? I mean seriously, I so know this one, but for some reason, my brain cannot stop my mouth sometimes. It’s like I think, or rather do not think, he will notice. Trust me, he notices. There are days I wish I could duct tape my mouth shut, that sassiness just flows that easily.
When will I stop distancing myself? We get close, I back up, he pulls me closer. I put up a little wall and he knocks it over. I have trust issues and he knows this is how I cope. Before I could build an entire castle up and he’d quietly knock on the door and some days I would let him in. Now, he knows if I start to slip away he needs to grab ahold before I find myself spiraling down. Know this, he has nothing to diminish my trust. It’s trust issues from long ago that we are working on together, but we are working on them and all dragons cannot be slayed in one day, no matter how we wish they were.
When will I obey the first time? Hmmm, this one is harder. I still like to argue my point, but not to the point of a spanking, well, at least not most days. I do want to submit, unless I don’t. That’s where I have an internal struggle. This is not his struggle. He is getting better at holding me accountable, and I am getting better about automatically doing what he asks, but there are days when this someone wishes she could just learn to zip her mouth closed shut.
When will I stop this post? Now, seems good to me.
--Baker
I think many of us can identify with at least some of these...my biggest is the wall building. I took years for Master to tear down my wall brick by brick....I never thought it would happen..and life is so much 'lighter' without that weight. But I still occasionally pick up a brick...and am soon reminded to put it right back down...hugs abby
ReplyDeleteAbby,
DeleteThank you for your encouragement. I agree that it may take years for some of these things to go away. Thank you for sharing your biggest challenge, it helps me feel better!
--Baker
Oh Baker...you are definitely not alone...brick walls and lousy self-image were 2 of Matthew's pet peeves and earned me a sore tush quite a few times. Hang in there and talk to your hubby about his help in curbing the issues...one at a time. Don't try to tackle all the issues at once.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat
Cat,
DeleteI was curious what your perspective on this might be, and do appreciate your input. Yes, we have been doing quite a bit of talking lately and the distancing issue about had me over his lap last night, so I know that and interrupting are two areas he sees as top priorities. Right, now all of these seem to arise and take precedence depending on the current situation at hand, so I guess we will keep talking and evaluating. Thanks again for stopping in and sharing.
--Baker
Count me in on the brick walls and low self esteem also Baker. I think most of us relate to what you have written. Gosh we have been married for 38 years and I still do those things, although I know Bear loves me the way I am.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, take one day at a time. Life is a constant learning curb.
Hugs Lindy xx
Such wise words, Lindy,
DeleteI know Hoss fully accepts me for who I am, but it's still hard. Thanks for your encouraging words.
--Baker
Hi Baker, another great post and great questions. Many of us can relate to these from time to time. Not talking over Rick, self image, believing him and distancing I can definitely relate to. It is a process and sometimes we need reminding.
ReplyDeleteEven though we haven't practiced ttwd in so long now, it taught us much and many of the benefits remain. I continue to work on those things.
Hugs
Roz
Roz,
DeleteYou are correct how much this type of relationship teaches you. I appreciate your thoughts and know there is a long journey ahead to lay these thoughts and feelings to rest.
--Baker
We are not perfect people and can only do our best. Give yourself a break.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sunny,
DeleteI'm trying. Stupid perfectionist attitude I have it drives me nuts sometimes. Thank your for your kind words, I appreciate it!
--Baker
Baker,
ReplyDeleteAfter four years of Ttwd/Ttwd, I am guilty of many of the same things you are, but less often. I have leaned to step back, think of my role and remember how things go in support of my man. My backside occasionally even says thank you.
Meredith
Good to know, M,
ReplyDeleteI'm so still learning and the learning curve can be difficult, but I think we'll get there at some point. Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciate your perspective on things.
--Baker