Learning

I'm still feeling a mite bit reflective right now, folks, but I will not burden you all with another list of questions.  I did want to talk about an incident that happened last weekend in which some dd/ttwd friends were definitely most helpful in me processing through.  Not going to really share what happened in details, but rather a few specific points, sorry.  It did lead me again to some introspective thoughts.  

(Sorry, I was looking for a flake meme and this one came up...too funny)

This post had mostly to do with me and not so much Hoss.  He actually did everything right, but I was pretty much a flake.  Oh, stop now, I know everyone out there that knows even a little bit about me knows I can be a teeny tiny bit difficult and I tend to do stupid things if  given the right mood.  And well, if you have not already figured out I can be a bit bratty, so this little post should not come to a shock to anyone. 

Before we get started, I just wanted to thank Cat (Giggles, Grins and Reflections) for her advice and kind words of encouragement.  She was very considerate to stop whatever she was doing to just kind of walk me through what I was going through.  And it was her word that gave rise to this post.  Additionally, a few other ladies were able to jump on her bandwagon and do a bit of straightening out of where my heart was leading me astray.

I am not a natural submissive.  A people pleaser, yes, for the most part, but not necessarily submissive by nature.  I love to see people happy and all, but I have a tendency to buck the system more often than not.  Poor Hoss really gets the brunt of the bucking the system and he typically takes care of things to ensure it does not happen again.

So, today I want to talk about the little word, "submit."  Such a tiny word in the grand scheme of DD/TTWD, but I know you all know this, it's a word that can make a huge impact on how things go in your relationship.

The problem here is that there are times I just take the hard road, as in last Sunday.  I did quite a few things wrong when I was about to have a reset.  Stupid things.  Things that were both dangerous and quite frankly, I have no idea why it happened or what possessed my mind.  First things off, I just chose not to submit.  See, in our relationship, Hoss is my HOH, the bossman, the guy in charge.  I am the taken in hand, the sub, the one who obeys him.  

Well, that man, that boss of mine changed things up.  Like messed with my mind.  

I know you are not going to believe this, but he asked me to....gulp....choose my implement.

Do you see the firecrackers bursting the air? 

Or maybe rockets or bombs going off.

Yes, bet you know what I said.

And, um....no....."yes, sir," did not cross my lips.

See, that's where things got a bit hinky.  I know, right off the bat this will not go over well with several of you, but I said what I said and did what I did and I have learned a great deal from it all.

I know, I know....stop being so long winded and just spit it out already.

Geez, you, folks, are a pushy bunch today....

I just am still really horrified by my own actions and well...mighty embarrassed to be in the company of better submissives than myself.

Alright already!

I said........., "Nope! you do it."

I am hanging my head in shame right now.  I was so mortified to even have to admit this to anyone, but Hoss, but yeah, my submissive angelic halo, it kind of got thrown to the ground and stepped on a few times with that little statement.

So, between that and the other incident of falling to my knees because, geez, the spanking was hurting really badly as I had not been spanked in awhile (I know, I know, I should not have to wonder why it hurt something awful after that statement made above) but I just was not in a submissive mindset.

I was in a, "I want to be in charge," mindset.

Gasp, I know, I said it.  But I just did not want to submit.

I also put myself in grave danger because let's face it folks, if you drop to your knees during a spanking you run the risk of the implement striking a place it does not intend on spanking.

So, I was a major brat and I just think sometimes it helps to admit it, regardless of how embarrassing it is to do so.

All of you HOH's out there go ahead and send your regards to Hoss for having to put up with me.  I'm certain he would appreciate your support.

Be assured all is forgiven now, but not before things were handled more appropriately.

Part of what Hoss wanted me to do afterwards was to find out what others would have had happen or what their HOH would done in the same situation.

The other thing I had to do was ask another submissive what would have happened had she told their HOH, "No," and fallen to their knees during a spanking.  So that's how poor Cat got dragged into the discussion and her words were seriously taken to heart by yours truly.  I have spent the better part of my week thinking over that one little word that she stated, "submit."  Thanks again, Cat, Hoss and I both really valued your insight.

So, Baker, you're asking, what did you learn?  Because obviously most of you are thinking I need to go back to submission school and retake some classes.

Audience of readers, I learned that the word submit means that I need to willingly stop what I am doing and listen to my man.

I need to heed to his words even when I do not understand the reason behind why he is asking me to do or change something.

That is I submit he is in charge and I cannot change things just because I feel like it.

That there is no need to push the envelope or question things just to question them.  He is trustworthy.  I brought this to our marriage and if I keep trying to take back my submission so I can be in charge over this or that little thing, than it hurts our marriage in a way that is just sad.

When I submit we are both rewarded.  I feel cherished, taken care of, safe and secure, the list goes on.  Hoss gains confidence knowing I trust him, he stands taller knowing I have faith in his abilities, he feels respected knowing I heed his advice, and again the list goes on.

There is so much value in the knowing that he cares enough to see us through this process.  To know our relationship is second only to God for him, there are just not words to describe on blessed I feel.

I also learned that even when I make mistakes, even when I "screw up royally," my man takes it in stride and is able to direct us back to the right path and for that we are truly grateful.

No, none of these are new revelations.  But sometimes, folks, these are lessons to be relearned or retaught or rethought in order to fully contend with all the other things my "world/mind" is telling me to do or think or feel.

So that is the sum of my week.  Any additional thoughts you would like to share on submission?  Would you also be kind enough to share a brief story of a time you should have submitted and the consequences of your lack of submission?

LOL, you knew I'd have to throw a question in there somewhere, did you not?

Have a great weekend!
--Baker