Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Missing My Man

I am not here to belly ache.  
(Sorry, thought this was too funny!)


I am just coming around to get a bit of advice.  
(Another cute one!)

I'm a bit of a mess right now. 
(This was me yesterday, thankfully better today)

Hoss has been gone since Sunday and I was an emotional wreck yesterday.  Yes, I made it two whole days before becoming a sobbing puddle of tears.  

Tuesday, I talked with him, well, he talked to me on the phone as I cried.  Then I got off the phone and cried off and on for the next several hours feeling tired and overwhelmed.  Thank you to a couple of friends who helped me focus on the kids and tasks at hand and get along with my day.  As well as same set of friends who listened to my woes without me feeling like a complete idiot. I'm not a crier, so all of this emotional stuff really took me by surprise.  

So the benefits of DD/TTWD are you become closer, like crazy want-to-be-together-all-the time-and-all-melty-into-one-another-arms closer, well a lot of the time anyways.  The side note on that is when you become closer the feelings towards one another are stronger and you rely on one another so much more.  Hence, separation is equally hard.

I truly was feeling like a nut case yesterday, but I think I may have pinpointed a part of the problem.  I did something he told me not to do Monday. Like the man is out of town just at 24 hours and I just disregard him completely.   


Jump back to Monday with me.  I was out in the heat helping at my mom's house and he had asked me not to be in the heat. Simple request really.  His request is due to the fact that even though most of the thyroid problems are mostly settled I still have trouble regulating my body temperature.  Which means I keep getting overheated and ending up feeling miserable afterwards.  Well, I went anyway meaning to leave before it was too hot, but my sister unintentionally made me feel guilty for leaving, so I stayed on to help until I ended up with a nasty headache and exhausted.  Still with the only parent in town, I was pretty much out of commission for the rest of the day dealing with the headache.  Thankful for my older kids who were able to step in and keep the house running for a few hours so I could rest.


Monday night, I was feeling really yucky and not necessarily in a good place.  I was messaging back and forth with a ttwd friend who said I needed to text Hoss and confess.  She knew it was eating at me, and I did and therein lies his words, "I'm disappointed you keep putting yourself in this same situation."  That was the text.  No worse reprimand needed.  No threats of what was to come.  The fact that I had disappointed my sweet man and let him down was enough to plant the seed of sadness in my heart.  I hate it when I disappoint him.  He is very good to me and the kids and when I have downright just gaffed him off and disregarded his good advice it hurts.  It hurts him.  It hurts me.  It hurts us.  

It was my own fault.  So on Tuesday when I went to begin a big task I just felt overwhelmed and needy.  I was not in a good place.  I called him and he and I talked it out, but I just could not move past it.  He encouraged me in the task, telling me to break it down, do manageable chunks, etc. He comforted me with his words, but sometimes empathy is not helpful when I needed to clear the air and then be wrapped up in his arms.  I listened, but it was not enough.  I still sat moping and feeling badly.  I then messaged two friends.  One who sympathized and the other who told me to get busy. Find a way to make him proud.  Do the huge task as a way to make him proud.  I love that words and a kick in the tail can sometimes adjust my attitude around quickly.  Everyone was showing sympathy when I needed someone to say," nope, don't go there!"  I needed that.  Good friends, I tell you, are priceless.

But today I was feeling sick, like I was just exhausted and needed to rest because my allergies were giving me fits kind of day.  I did rest and I spoke with him a few times.  I sent him a picture of me with my right eye half swollen shut and he said, "You're still, so beautiful."  That's love right there folks, because I was not a sight for sore eyes or any other kind of eyes for that matter.  

So herein, lies my need for advice.  I still have until Saturday night before he returns.  I need to know what others do to cope.  I already have a busy day planned for tomorrow and want to keep myself busy as that is helping, but what other ideas do you all have out there.  I'm sure part of my problem lies in feeling guilty for my mistake on Monday and even though he and I have talked it out, we still have not dealt with the issue, if you know what I mean.  So, ideas on coping?  Ideas on what you do to keep yourself sane when your loved one is away from you for a few days or longer?  Thoughts?  Ideas?  Send them my way.  I'm open ears right now.  Well, technically, "open eyes," as I have to read and not hear what you are saying, but I digress.


--Baker

14 comments:

  1. Aww Baker, I'm sorry you have had a rough few days. The deeper connection and intimacy that ttwd brings does make separation so much harder.

    Not sure I can be much help in terms of advice. Some couples use small acts of service, doing something for him during times apart in order to remain feeling connected. For example, wearing a particular item of clothing or piece of jewelry.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz,
      He did help me by asking me to do a few things for him Wednesday night and that did help me quite alot. Thank you for your ideas, I appreciate them.
      --Baker

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  2. Sorry you are going through such a hard time Baker. Just look forward to the wonderful reunion when Hoss returns.
    We have only been separated a handful of times and its mostly when I'm in hospital. Bear doesn't believe in separate holidays, so I can't really help you I'm afraid. Hang in there only a few more days.
    Hugs Lindy

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    1. Almost there, Lindy, thanks for your support.
      --Baker

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  3. M and I are apart quite a bit when I wear my grandma hat seeing as he is not retired yet. It is HARD....on both sides. We make sure we start a day with a chat..and He usually gives me a small task to do during the day...something that prying eyes and ears will not be aware of...and we stay in contact as much as possible....plan a surprise for him when he gets home...hugs abby

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    1. That's such excellent advice, Abby! When he did give me some tasks Wednesday night it did make me feel so much more connected. I will definitely suggest that to him more the next trip he takes. I love the idea of a surprise. I'll give that some thought today as he is due home later this evening.
      --Baker

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  4. Baker,
    My Jack was deployed to far away dangerous places and then assigned to live in another state for two years after September 11th. We worked hard at keeping things even. There were no small children, but I was working full time. I was good to myself and generous with time to pamper myself. It was rough and often with no phone calls and texting was not on the horizon. I think you might do well doing some journaling focusing on the positive and not the negative. I always tried to require more of myself to support Jack. He was, after all, the one who was far away from home. I worked on our home making it the place he would feel most comfortable. I think turning away from that "woe is me" feeling is the best thing to do. Focus on other things rather than mellowing in the loneliness. It worked for me even though there were moments I did not do well. I will save that for another time.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, M,
      I think your perspective is very helpful. We only had a week separation and I think you're right. I need to get over myself and focus on making things right for his return. Should work on that journaling idea as well.
      --Baker

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  5. I like the idea of journaling as well. Some might say that blogging could take its place, but I would disagree. I write to myself every morning. I look back at yesterday and plan how I can do better today. Have a little necklace that Sam gave me with our names on it. I especially like to wear it if we are separated for a time. Also like to plan an unpleasant task while he is gone. Get a closet cleaned and organized.

    Glad your wait is almost over.
    Ella

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    1. Thank you, Miss Ella,
      You have an excellent point between journaling and blogging, both serve a very different purpose, at least for me. I did do a lot of cleaning spurts this week, but not enough. Kids are usually making a mess where ever I am not, but I did get some areas cleaned and organized again. Areas that are typically hidden from kid use make me the most happy to take care of.
      --Baker

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  6. Hi Baker,
    Sorry I didn't see this earlier but think your man is home tonight so you're probably flying high at this very moment! Anyway, next time, drop me a line. Eric is gone a ton - travels all of the time and is out of the country a lot so we can't always communicate. Trust me, I've lost it often. The blogging, friends, tips, etc. all help get me through. email anytime. eric51amy49@gmail.com And next time he leave, have him wear a t-shirt all day that you can sleep in while he's gone... or live in while you miss him. Very junior high but it works! ;) Amy

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    1. Hey, Amy,
      No worries. He is back and it's a bit dicey. Both of us are just completely drained right now, but we'll get there. Thanks for your advice. It's not junior high-ish at all. I'm sure it helps. He has two pillows and I used the one he didn't take with him most nights, so I could get some sleep.
      --Baker

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  7. My husband travels quite a bit for work and while he is gone he works crazy hours such that we hardly ever even get to communicate with another while he is away which makes it more difficult...but I am always keeping busy with the kids, projects, and other activities so the time goes by rather quickly. Hope you are now reunited and in each other's arms. Hugs

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    1. Thanks for your suggestion Terps! I did manage to keep quite busy, too much so at one point, but all is good now. Thanks for stopping in!
      --Baker

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