Friday, August 25, 2017

Baker, Let Hoss Lead

As I was rereading my, "When Did...," post to publish again I was thinking through our summer thinking of the other changes that have been made.  One of the things that happened in our particular relationship is that I brought this to Hoss.  He did not ask for it.  He was not even sure he wanted it.  He questioned me.  Asking the benefits, why and how would we make it work, etc.  I had no idea.  I'd read, a lot.  I shared with him some of what I'd read.  We just knew we needed a change so desperately and I, personally, was tired of doing it all.  


I wanted him to take the lead and for the first time in our marriage I let go.  

I really and truly let go. 

Okay, not a 100 percent true.  

In my mind I let him lead.


Well, sort of.  

For awhile it felt like I was leading us into ttwd/dd.  For quite a while I was still trying to be THE BOSS by telling HIM how WE should do this.  I would criticize and question why HE did things this way or that.  Yes, most definitely, not him leading.  Some days were better than others.  More me topping from the bottom, I believe it is called.   It took me awhile to learn to step aside.  Or step back.  Back off, maybe.



We progressed.  

We learned.  

We experimented with things.  

I began to blog after tons of encouragement.  

This summer I've been learning to step back even further, as I really explored the "just being submissive without expecting dominance from him."    

Just working on me and my side of things.  



I needed to learn to hold my opinion, not talk over him or interrupt, accept that little annoying word, "No," when he put his foot down on some discussion or other.  Obey on things I struggle with, repeatedly.  


Those were issues he wanted me to improve on, but ones I just could not do, as it would, "Gasp!" require me to change. 

I know, hard, right?


Yes, I know, this is not news to anyone else, but me, well probably, but it was where I was at, for a very long time.   Kind of stuck, but slowly moving out of the mud into clearer waters.



Hoss said something that triggered me to reevaluate this further recently.  Something along the regards of, "Baker, you're only submissive when you feel like it."  



Okay, can you all just say, "Ouch!" in unison, so I can get it out of my head?

Unfortunately, what he said was probably true.  

Hush, now, I can hear you.

It was most definitely true.

We have always taken this slowly.


Snails pace slow, as we have many children here and sometimes (read a large part of the time) we just do not have time to focus on us.  

We want to.  

Us, is a priority.  

But people have to be fed around here.  

Things have to be cleaned.   

Schoolwork has to happen.  

Sports practices, scouts and church are normal, daily parts of the routine around here.  

Read, we are busy and Mom is well known for having a short fuse.  Like non-existent some days.


Momma and Daddy cannot stay in bed all morning and just focus on one another.   We do that occasionally, but most days that's just not possible.  

So, we make accommodations.  We stay up late or get up really early.  Spankings (good ones and discipline ones) happen early in the morning or very rarely with a silent implement and me hollering into a pillow with the television or radio playing loudly in the background with the kids told to go outside or watch a movie on the other side of the house.

We are growing a little each day.  

Set backs happen.  



Tuesday was a setback for me and a leap forward for us.  


I was melting inside.  Too many demands.  Feeling sick with an asthma flare up that would not calm down.  Kids were being very needy.  I called Hoss at work and he made suggestions.  I called my best vanilla friend who reminded me that kids are difficult some days.  Hoss called back to check in a few hours later.  I was better, but not coping as well as I should.  A second phone call from Hoss saying he was coming home.  He said I needed some stress relief.  He delivered and quite a bit of the angst and worry and stress faded away.  I was still not myself, but better.  The next day, he delivered maintenance and slowly I've been getting things better.  Clearer in my head and in my heart. 

I'm learning.  

He's stepping up more and more.  

I'm stepping back and letting him take the lead.

He's requiring more.  

Following through more.  

I think we grow at a microscopic rate.



Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.


Other times it's in leaps and bounds.


And still other times.... 

There's just us....

Holding on tight.... 

and loving the journey.

--Baker


26 comments:

  1. Oh..this post should be recommended reading for anyone thinking about ttwd...and as a reminder for those of us who are practicing it. Notice I said practicing, there is always more to learn, to change, to grow....You both have come a long way, it is not always an easy road...but can be so worth it. hugs abby

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    1. Thank you, Abby, it means alot to me for you to say such kind words. I do appreciate them.

      Yes, practicing is what occurs, never perfection, just lots of figuring out what is working and how we will grow from here. Thanks for being so supportive.
      --Baker

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  2. This is a very sweet post Baker and one I think everyone can relate to. There is the ebb and flow of ttwd for sure. There is also the balance between submissiveness and things that flat out need to get done. Eric and I used to talk a lot about the balance of power. I might come across as bossy and demanding at times, when I'm really just the one who has the list of things that need to happen during a certain period of time. The lessons then become about tone and body language. Eric likes simple and to the point. He doesn't mind the long drawn out story as long as he has the punch line first. Sorry, I'm going off in my own head right now. You're making me think... that's a good thing. Again, sweet post.
    Amy

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    1. Lol, Amy, I love to make people think. Never know what will spark in others' brains when we challenge one another. Glad I was able to give you some more food for thought. Hope you have a great weekend!
      --Baker

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  3. Baker,
    This was written not only with your head but your heart as well. It makes me think that my expectations can make it slower for me to get where I want to go.

    If there was just one quote above that touched me, it is the one that says, "When he says no, do not follow on with BUT.."

    Ella

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    1. Awww, Miss Ella, you're too kind. I had Hoss read the comments before I replied and he chuckled at your comment about not following "no with but....." He said, "Baker, you need to learn that one!" Go figure! Lol! I guess I still have alot to learn.
      --Baker

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  4. "When he says no, do not follow on with BUT.." Oh yes, I'm still working on that. I'm getting better. There was a thing, about a sock, last night, and I actually said, (You're gonna love this!) "You NEVER listen to me!" (As in, you never do what I tell you) and he seriously just stopped what he was doing, looked at me, and said, "Enough!" I shut right up. See ... I'm learning!

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    1. You are learning, Penelope, right along with the rest of us. Do not let anyone lead you to believe they have this mastered. We're all just in different stages of practicing and as I commented above to Ella, my man reminds me I still have a lot to learn!☺
      Have a great weekend!
      --Baker

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  5. Hi Baker, this is such a great post and something I think we can all relate to. Letting go and letting him truly lead his way is hard, especially if we brought ttwd to him. Also the balance between being submissive and having to get things done.

    I don't think we ever stop learning and growing in this. You two have come a long way.

    I hope the asthma settles down soon and glad Hoss provided some stress relief.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, such sweet, kind words. Thank you!

      Yes, it's hard to let go and let him lead, but you are right, we are growing. I just think sometimes I'm messing it up often, simply by not backing off quickly enough, but it's part of the process and patience is definitely being learned.

      Have a lovely weekend!
      --Baker

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  6. Baker this is a sweet post and there is a lesson in here for all of us. Take things slow, rushing into these situations doesn't help at all. Baby steps! It sure does feel like one step forward two back all the time. At least you are progressing though even if it doesn't always feel like it.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. Lindy,
      You are so, so, so right! Baby steps! I agree. It feels like little steps the whole time, but yet, there is so much progress. Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate you and them!
      --Baker

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  7. Baker,
    One of the best things about ttwd is the way it changes as you lean in to your guy. Things always get better.
    Meredith

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    1. Another set of true words, Meredith! We do change for the better with this, every single time we step back!

      --Baker

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    1. Thank you so much, Terps! That's very sweet of you to say.

      --Baker

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  9. Good post, its definitely tough to submit when life is hectic and alone time is rare. Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks, Madeline,
      It is very hard and we're hanging in there, but sometimes only by a thread. Thanks for stopping in!
      --Baker

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  10. Baker,

    I hear you about how it's hard to let go of control and submit! It's so fulfilling tho when we get to the point in our journey's where the dynamic runs not because we gave up control but because our man owns his role in the dynamic. And then of course somewhere throughout our journeys we realize that we also must change and that our gift of submission requires as much from us as their roles do of them.

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    1. Jlynne,
      It is hard, but as we grow closer to our men and learn this makes us better. We submit, we love, we grow and our relationship strengthens. Happy you stopped in.
      --Baker

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  11. Hi Baker, 😊 This is my most fav post that you've written! There is so much good stuff here- self realizations, growth as a couple, etc.

    My fav parts were when you talk about focusing on your own submission instead of his dominance. I also love your ending about the two of you "holding on tight and just enjoying the journey"! Lovely! Great post! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie

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    1. Thanks, Katie,
      I have done alot of introspective thoughts this summer and part of him stepping up is me stepping back. We're growing and learning, which is always a good thing, especailly when we grow closer. I'm happy you liked it!
      --Baker

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  12. So beautifully written Baker, it made me cry as I so totally relate. Sir and I have stopped TTWD after a very unfortunate incident recently. Too painful to blog about and technically my blog is to be gone and no chatting with other bloggers. Still... today after two weeks I had to take a peek. The purpose is for me to focus on us and his desire not what I think things should be like. He says this is permanent and I am hoping we can still work through it. I made a huge mistake in not letting him lead. At least we are talking.

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    1. Awww, Annabelle, you made my heart break. I'm sorry things are not going well for you guys right now. Talking is good, so good. Letting him be in charge is hard, I totally agree, but the letting go has more rewards, more closeness, just more of everything. I'll be praying for you both. Hugs and sending my love. If you need to talk, I'd be willing to listen.
      --Baker

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  13. I love this post, Baker! I think it echoes the experience so many of us have had/are having in this journey of ttwd. Remember, there is no right way or wrong way, just the way the two of you make together. :)

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    1. Thanks, Lilli,
      I really appreciate your kind words. This is a hard journey and there is no right or wrong way to do it. That is correct. Just doing this together is an awesome experience. Thanks for stopping in!
      --Baker

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