From the archives of Baker that have yet to be published. Please realize things have DRASTICALLY improved since I wrote this, but folks, some things still need to be said. Somethings are too important to be forgotten in the lost archives. So here is a post on a rough patch we were going through at the end of April..
We, women, are funny creatures. We tend to want what we want when we want it, say what we want to say, how we want to say it, and such like that. The thing is sometimes we want something so badly and then when it’s right there in our grasp we push it away, deeming ourselves not worthy or wanting to continue to control so not allowing ourselves to let go, or even just doubting ourselves.
We are, our own worst enemies. Those voices that needle us into not taking a position we want, getting involved in a relationship, or even following our big dream. I applaud those of you who put your neck out there time and time again. PK Corey inspires me whenever I read any of her Cassie or Cal books because she waited until her 50s to publish her first book. That takes a lot of guts, folks!
Others of you are willing to try new things in your relationships and dive deeper knowing full well you may love or hate it, but will do anything because your partner has asked you to.
Now, why is Baker acting all sentimental and almost morose? Because I’m struggling a bit right now, folks. When I struggle I tend to mull things over and become reflective. Hoss and I are good, but there is something that is bothering me and it is not something I am processing through very quickly. It’s actually a slow process with me as we are very busy here. I know I’m always saying that, but it just remains true.
We are just finding time a hard thing to manage right now. We try. Honestly, we do, but it keeps ticking away and things slip when we do not have spare minutes in the day. So one of the biggest things that has slipped is maintenance. For us, it is a great way to slow things down. Show our commitment to one another and experience an intimate time together. When we oversleep or are over busy or just plain too tired that good feeling slips a bit more each day. I struggle with the voices in my head and often those in my heart. Hoss feels he has let me down. The cycle deepens each day we do not have time to reconnect.
When we find ourselves in this cycle, we fight it at first, and then resign to the fact it just may be awhile before that reconnect can happen. Then this awful thing happens to my heart. It puts up those stupid walls again. I deny it at first, but when it continues to occur, well, I just say, “it is what it is,” and keep going. Hoss just gets up each day and keeps going, reminding me of my importance and his love and devotion to me and the kids. But today I’m really pondering this...I know things will be better when we have time to reconnect, but until then I will continue to think things through, wish things will slow down a bit, and keep myself busy, uber busy.
Also, I would like to add that when we do not connect daily, I begin to fight the reconnect time. I know, absolutely silly of me, but I do. I let hormones and voices and control creep back in. I struggle and fight with myself to keep my voice respectful and my attitude light. It can be so hard. I am constantly craving a reset and fighting it at the same time. Hoss commented the other morning that he feels I’m self sabotaging the time we do have together in the mornings by sleeping in late. Me thinks he’s on to me! And after reading this he will most definitely know that I have been, sort of reluctant, to submit myself to a reset. I like control and maybe, subconsciously, I am finding myself too tired and overworked, so that I do not have to submit to him. See what I mean? Us, women, we are are soooo good at not accepting what we need, even if what we need will make us feel better.
Please understand, the fact that I’m writing at all, just to get some of this out, means to me that I am finding it harder to process this in my own head, so I need to spill it out on paper.
It also reminds me that others out there are struggling with hard feelings too.
When I reach out, it’s to help to comfort (not that I am much comfort being all morose and all) and find support for myself and others.
Realize you all are not alone in your busyness. This is just a season of life you are going through.
You are not alone in the longing for that connection. Your loving HOH wants it too.
Your voices can be calmed if you give up control. That means submitting and truly giving up that control.
Until then you are only doing your best, right here, right now. Things will slow down and you will be back into your routine with your HOH soon.
It will take time to return to the good routine, that loving connection, and feeling that release of all those voices. But when it happens it will be good again. You just have to maintain until it happens. I say this for you as much for myself. Hang in there, everyone, it will be all good, soon.
Much love,
Baker
P.S. As I said above, all is good...not just good. Fantabulous!
Happy to hear things are 'Fantabulous' now Baker. I think we all go through these stages where we want our men to spank us then when they do we don't want it. Its a silly feeling wanting something so much then pushing it away.
ReplyDeleteGlad you and Hoss have worked it all out and can now find some spare time during your busy days to reconnect. Well written.
Hugs Lindy xx
Thank you, my friend! It is a strange feeling...very thankful (most days) that it's passed. I feel so much better and more relaxed now. Thanks!
Delete--Baker
thanks for sharing something that is as important and pertinent as this. i think many of us have felt this / are feeling this way... and it IS comforting to know that we're not alone in this area.
ReplyDeleteglad that everything is great now, but it's always sobering to remember that things could quickly fall apart (back to morose-land) if we let it.
might i just add - part of getting back that reconnection for me is actually opening my mouth and saying i need it. cos if i dont, those walls come up here too. i make excuses and resign myself to "sucking it up and getting on with life". And then the resentment starts.
much love to you both this Sunday!
Thank you, Fondles, in alot of ways you hit the nail on the head. Saying it is half the battle...we talked alot about it, but the time to actually make it happen was just not feasible. Saying it was something I needed frequently if not daily helped, but it was when we carved out the time for those resets or maintenance or whatever. I felt better towards my man, the negativity in my attitude washed away. It made me feel genuinely loved from head to toe once I finally let go.
DeleteThanks!
--Baker
Hi Baker, I'm glad everything is now fantabulous :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post, thank you for sharing this with us. Finding the time to reconnect is an issue that we all struggle with at times, and that disconnect is hard.
I can relate to what you said about fighting the reconnect when it happens too. It's almost like the longer I have been without the longer I can go without. Go figure! lol
Hugs
Roz
Oh, Roz, you hit on another good point. I kept saying the same thing. Hoss is busy... he's exhausted from work...today he's off and needs to spend time with the kids...I seriously made every excuse under the sun. When he finally said enough is when things became better. These comments are definitely helping my reflection on this post. It's definitely easier to see how we could have caught this earlier and helped ourselves sooner. Thanks for your help!
Delete--Baker
Baker, Thanks for sharing this tough stuff. I believe you are growing and that is almost always painful at first but so worth it, when you come out the other side of it. I am doing a lot of this in several areas of my life currently. Storm has always just been simply mystified at how you and Hoss find time, make time, and keep after this ttwd life. I see you trying to find your balance. Congrats on successfully tearing down enough of your emotional walls in the sharing of this post. Now, hide the bricks so you can't build them back up again. LOL! And, if you figure out how to do that, please let me know as I need to do the same.
ReplyDeleteWindy, in all seriousness your comment cracked me up, and made me think all at the same time. You made several good points.
DeleteFirst, those walls go up quickly when I get overwhelmed. That is something we have talked long and hard about. I know this probably sounds crazy, but the fastest way to tear those walls down is simply to keep my head in a clear place with a spanking.
Secondly, we struggle too often to find balance, but it improves with regular, frequent reconnects. When I can focus on him it makes me feel like I can move mountains.
Thirdly, we both have a strong belief in God. And praying together helps us considerably to realize when and where things are out of balance. It just took us a while to figure it out this time.
Finally, I feel like the comments, this far, have made for a cheap (much needed) ttwd therapy session! Thanks so very much! (And I'm not saying that lightly).
Also Storm's comment made me smile. Early mornings are the key for us here. Like 5 am for a spanking is frequent here. That's a full two hours before we get anyone else up. Quiet implement that I loathe if it must happen during the day.
Many thanks!
--Baker
Baker,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great heartfelt post written with sincerity. Thank you.
Meredith
I wrote it over a month ago and literally it stared at me begging to be posted, but my self critic and pride kept me from pressing the post button. Thank you for your kind words.
Delete--Baker
I have read this post and all of the comments and my following comment is based purely on my take, as seen through my experiences- so they may not resonate with you at all. :)
ReplyDeleteI used to blog frequently the first few years of our dynamic. I found that as difficult as it was, posting before a resolution happened in our house often led to a better understanding for both of us- and a faster resolution. Now that being said, there were definitely times where I wasn't ready to read what others had to say to me- but posting during the difficult times helped.
I know from my own past that the when the walls fly up easily or when I start balking at the idea of resetting or reconnecting it is out of fear. Control for *me* is based purely out of fear...fear of letting go. Sometimes, when life got/gets in the way the fear of letting those walls come down is due to the fear of being vulnerable only to experience that life once again got in the way a day or few later kept/keeps me from embracing what I truly need to move on. I hope that makes sense. I know I am not unique in that fear. As time goes on that fear lessens, but can rear its ugly head again from time to time.
Regardless, happy to hear that Hoss and you managed to get over this hurdle. We too find that our roles need to be established first thing to set the tone off right every day. Here it doesn't necessarily mean a spanking, but it does mean his dominance in a way that is meaningful to me. Without that we tend, well *I* tend to drift slightly from centre...and it can continue from there.
Good post
willie
Thank you so much for your insight. I have learned that I have to have some sort of reconnect daily anymore to feel calm with the things thrown at me each day. For me a spanking helps the most. The aftercare, the dominance, the process helps to center my brain. Thanks!
Delete--Baker
Hi Baker ... Good that this post was written a month ago and you and Hoss have found some balance again.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you and everyone else in ttwd land that maintains this lifestyle while raising kids. Even just having our 'kids' living in the neighbourhood causes us pause ... we think the SiL dropped by to pick up the truck yesterday morning ... it was gone when we got up ... oops! not sure when he came or if he heard and I guess we'll never know :))
... and that overthinking thing ... don't let it get the best of you ... hugs ... nj
Lol, I thank you for the compliment. It is crazy hard but early morning is the best time for us. And I do tend to overthink and that makes things harder when I get in that mode. Thanks for your thoughts.
Delete--Baker
BOY did this post strike home with me this morning. I woke feeling grumpy for lack of a better word -- resigned that I want / expect too much.... then managed to twist it around to how selfish I am and needy ...... sigh..... Real life can get in the way of 'our' time ..... time to tighten the bond or reconnect.
ReplyDeleteYes your post really struck home with me !
Thanks, MS, it is amazing how the disconnect is so much more prominent than we realize and when we do connect....oh, it's just so much more than we can ever imagine. The two polar opposite sides of how we describe our feelings between the connection and disconnect just amazes me.
Delete--Baker
I really relate to most of this. I think about the fact that you said writing helps. I've realized over the years that when problems or scary situations are rolling around in my head they seem to keep getting bigger. Once I capture it on paper - or the screen - It like I feel that it's manageable. Glad things are better.
ReplyDeletePK, you wrote that idea so much better than I did. Thanks and I totally agree.
Delete--Baker
So much of this post I can relate to. I wish that there was an easy answer to the lack of time problem. We need that time in our day to connect and the more that we don't have it, the more the voices in our head speak. Glad that things are better since you have written this post. Just know that what you are going through, I understand.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Blondie, I have a feeling everyone gets where we were at sometimes and it is definitely tough to deal with. Time...errr...if we could have eight or nine day weeks or more hours instead of just 24. No fix except carving it out and putting it on the schedule.
Delete--Baker
Hi, I’m glad things are good now! I can totally relate. I think back over the years that I’ve been here. It seems as though life often makes maintaining a lifestyle of this sort easy sometimes and quite hard at others!
ReplyDeleteJust glad you’ve found what works!
Thanks, Minelle, I agree that it's always and ebb and flow and learning and keeping things up. Love having you stop by for a chat.
Delete--Baker
Baker,
ReplyDeleteThis post has really struck a chord with so many of your readers. Sometimes we let time be the bad guy. It is so easy to blame time for what is not happening in a relationship. For me, ttwd has to be a priority. Just like I would make time to visit a sick friend or finally tackle a job I dread, I need to give Sam my time. It must come before other things. When I let that priority slip, even when it's not my fault, the distance between us grows and the time since our last connection seems to steal my happiness. This was such a thoughtful post.
Hugs From Ella
You've hit the nail on the head. Yes, Miss Ella, you are so right about making Hoss and DD a priority. Because once we did things have improved dramatically. Thanks!
Delete--Baker
I can so relate to so much of this thanks for your heartfelt post
ReplyDeleteThanks, Terps, it is so hard when it falls away or through the cracks or whatever. Sorry that you too have experienced it.
Delete--Baker