Last night before bed my husband had some words for me. Was I listening? Did I hear him? Yes, actually I did. So much so that when I woke up in the middle of the night his words were still right there echoing quietly in my ears. Did I understand? Yes, I do now, but at the time of the incident in question I did not see the significance of his request.
He laid out his point of view regarding his position and I was not to talk, but simply listen.
So now the guilt has set in. I know that there’s little chance to get out of a spanking. I do not even wish to, as I know the guilt will vanish and we can move on. I’m not relishing or eager to be at the spanking part of this discussion, but I do know the benefits will definitely outweigh these feelings of hurt and discord. I know there will be forgiveness, I know he has already forgiven me, but it will take the spanking to allow me to forgive myself.
See, not so long ago, prior to dd, I would have totally and utterly gaffed my husband off. Now, I just do not do that. I try to listen and do as he requests. I try to respect his opinion and not take it with a grain of salt. I do try very hard in this area to submit willingly to his authority. So when I mess up like this it really, really bothers me. It makes me feel as if I have made no progress in this area at all. Yes, yes, I know there has been a good amount of forward momentum, but it is times like this where I question have I really changed much at all? I want to please him and show him with my actions the respect he deserves. I do not want this kind of backsliding, and yet I know there’s a process to be learned here.