I wanted him to take the lead and for the first time in our marriage I let go.
I really and truly let go.
Okay, not a 100 percent true.
In my mind I let him lead.
Well, sort of.
For awhile it felt like I was leading us into ttwd/dd. For quite a while I was still trying to be THE BOSS by telling HIM how WE should do this. I would criticize and question why HE did things this way or that. Yes, most definitely, not him leading. Some days were better than others. More me topping from the bottom, I believe it is called. It took me awhile to learn to step aside. Or step back. Back off, maybe.
We experimented with things.
I began to blog after tons of encouragement.
This summer I've been learning to step back even further, as I really explored the "just being submissive without expecting dominance from him."
Just working on me and my side of things.
I needed to learn to hold my opinion, not talk over him or interrupt, accept that little annoying word, "No," when he put his foot down on some discussion or other. Obey on things I struggle with, repeatedly.
Those were issues he wanted me to improve on, but ones I just could not do, as it would, "Gasp!" require me to change.
I know, hard, right?
Yes, I know, this is not news to anyone else, but me, well probably, but it was where I was at, for a very long time. Kind of stuck, but slowly moving out of the mud into clearer waters.
Hoss said something that triggered me to reevaluate this further recently. Something along the regards of, "Baker, you're only submissive when you feel like it."
Okay, can you all just say, "Ouch!" in unison, so I can get it out of my head?
Unfortunately, what he said was probably true.
Hush, now, I can hear you.
It was most definitely true.
We have always taken this slowly.
Snails pace slow, as we have many children here and sometimes (read a large part of the time) we just do not have time to focus on us.
We want to.
Us, is a priority.
But people have to be fed around here.
Things have to be cleaned.
Schoolwork has to happen.
Sports practices, scouts and church are normal, daily parts of the routine around here.
Read, we are busy and Mom is well known for having a short fuse. Like non-existent some days.
Momma and Daddy cannot stay in bed all morning and just focus on one another. We do that occasionally, but most days that's just not possible.
So, we make accommodations. We stay up late or get up really early. Spankings (good ones and discipline ones) happen early in the morning or very rarely with a silent implement and me hollering into a pillow with the television or radio playing loudly in the background with the kids told to go outside or watch a movie on the other side of the house.
We are growing a little each day.
Set backs happen.
Tuesday was a setback for me and a leap forward for us.
I was melting inside. Too many demands. Feeling sick with an asthma flare up that would not calm down. Kids were being very needy. I called Hoss at work and he made suggestions. I called my best vanilla friend who reminded me that kids are difficult some days. Hoss called back to check in a few hours later. I was better, but not coping as well as I should. A second phone call from Hoss saying he was coming home. He said I needed some stress relief. He delivered and quite a bit of the angst and worry and stress faded away. I was still not myself, but better. The next day, he delivered maintenance and slowly I've been getting things better. Clearer in my head and in my heart.
He's stepping up more and more.
I'm stepping back and letting him take the lead.
He's requiring more.
Following through more.
I think we grow at a microscopic rate.
Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.
Other times it's in leaps and bounds.
And still other times....
There's just us....
Holding on tight....
and loving the journey.