A Few Simple Words

So last Wednesday was a really rough day for me.  Like super rough.  I did not like myself at all.  We are down to one car right now, so I am driving Hoss into work each day.  This should not be that big a deal and it really is not, but the mornings have been busier than usual because of it.  I was already feeling behind even though we really were not.  I also wanted to chat with a few friends and just be without all the pressures of the world.  Anyways, enough rambling, let me just tell you the story.

I went to make Hoss a quick breakfast and get his lunch made while he took a shower.  No real issue there.  I go to pull the coffee pot out, and realize the kids had left the instapot out from the night before.  In my haste, to get the coffee going, I moved the instapot onto the stove top.  I went about rushing around making breakfast and lunch for my sweet man, but every once in a while I would smell something burning.  I went over several times to check on the coffee and then the burner that had held the eggs.  Nothing.  Nada.  All good.  Finally as I go to look for a coffee cup I see a small bit of steam?  Smoke perhaps?  I stand there looking at our burners trying to figure out if I'd inadvertently spilled something on the burner.  Nope.  Then I look down and the light for one of my rear burners is on.  What?  I quickly realized when I had scooted the instapot over I had also turned the dial on the back burner.  My instapot was melting like the witch from the Wizard of Oz!  I moved it quickly and began to clean up the mess.

As I'm doing the clean up of the stinky sticky plastic mess fear creeps over me like a blanket I could not pull off.  Hoss and I were minutes from leaving our home to take him to work.  Round trip could be 40-45 minutes long.   All of our children and our house guest and her kiddos were sound asleep.  What would have happened had I not realized the blunder I had made.

With a heavy heart I went to tell Hoss what had happened.  His response was surprise, concern, and worry, but he said, "I'm glad you caught it.  It's going to be okay.  Accidents happen."  His words did nothing to dispel my sad heart.  Thinking of all our children and our guests at home while the fire smoldered just made me sick to my stomach.  It hurt my heart in a way I cannot describe.

As the day wore on I kept explaining to Hoss my feelings.  How it really was bothering me.  He kept saying he understood and yes, things could have turned out different, but they did not.  It did little to ease my concerns.  I was aching inside of the "could of, would of, should ofs," that assaulted my brain.  The few blog friends I shared with were all reassuring.  No one thought I deserved to be spanked and from what I could tell from Hoss, he did not plan to, but it did nothing to improve my mood.

That evening, after a long day of beating myself up, Hoss said we needed to talk.  I was for sure he had decided to spank me.  At the very least, to ease my guilt that was overflowing everywhere.  He did not.  He told me something that mended my hurting heart.  That truly expressed to me what he truly thought.

"Baker, you are beating yourself up, but the thing is.  You're the hero in this situation."

"Wait, what????"  Was this man insane?  I almost burned the house down while the kids were sleeping.  What was he thinking.

"You're the hero," he repeated.  "You kept checking until you figured out the problem.  Had you not been insistent things would have turned out so much differently.  I'm thankful you did that."

Now, I was melting like a Popsicle on a hot summer's day.  He knew that I needed to hear that.  He knew it would be better than a spanking to hear that he did not see me as all those horrible things I kept telling myself.   That he still loved me in spite of what I believed about myself.

In that moment, everything was cleared for me.  My man loved me.  That he was proud of me.  And I'm so thankful for him.  In the real world things happen.  I'm just grateful he was able to help me refocus in his gentle, sweet way.  I'm so blessed.

--Baker