The Questions You May Have

I have wondered often, "Where do bloggers go?" when they retire from blogging or quit?  

Like:

Did something happen to make them not want to blog anymore? (Almost happened to me.)

Did they lose interest in their blog? (Sometimes I do--just sayin'.)

What are they doing now? (About to tell you about little ole' me.)

Did a giant hippopotamus just swallow them up whole and they never lived to tale the tale about it?  (This one feels about right to me!)

I know many take breaks and some are kind enough to let their readers know.  Others let us know they have decided to leave the blogging world because their lives are too chaotic or just run out of things to say.  Some retire and just check in periodically.  Others no longer blog, but keep checking in through their comments or an occasional post to say, "Yes, I'm still alive!"  I'm one of those, I suppose. 

I now feel comfortable to speak to why I have not blogging lately.  I'd been in a bit of a blogging slump beginning sometime early 2020.  Kids and sports and life in general had made it harder and harder to get things done for myself.  This blog is something I do for myself as a way to make DD/TTWD friends and express our lifestyle with without being public (you know immediate family and friends) about it.  Then COVID happened and well, I had more time with less kid stuff outside of the house was happening, so I did a bit of blogging last year around this time.

Last July, I really began to feel icky.  I should not feel this way, I told myself repeatedly.  I need to make an appointment with a doctor, but with all the Covid stuff, I could not bring myself to do it.  I had little desire to get out in public.  It was hot.  I was busy.  I had a million reasons.  I only felt worn out and had this dull nagging headache.  Weird, but I'm not a heat lover so I thought maybe all the time in my garden was getting to me.

Near the end of July I was making lunch for the family.  I sat down to eat my lunch and I swallowed wrong and began to cough.  That coughing lead to a nasty headache.  I let Hoss know I was not feeling well and needed to lay down to get the headache under control.  It helped some, but the headache only eased slightly until Tuesday. Tuesday it decided to take a life on of it's own. I had taken our daughter to an appointment and called to see if our chiropractor could adjust my neck. I was in misery. On the drive there my eyes just would not work and I fought to keep my eyes on the road.  By the time we arrived I thought, "This has to be the worst migraine of my life."  I did not feel better after the adjustment and was just intent on going home.  Later that evening as I lay in bed I told Hoss this is not getting better.  Meds, ice pack, pain gel, none of it helped.

Early that Wednesday morning after not being able to sleep I woke Hoss up.  Hoss called our family doctor and the Doc told us to go to the ER.  That ride was awful.  Every bump, every curve.  I felt like my head was splitting in two and I could hardly keep myself steady every time the car moved.  And it was moving fast.  My sweet Hoss was coming to the rescue and getting me there quick.  He later told me I looked like I deteriorating before his eyes.  We got there and Covid struck.  My strong man, my rock had to leave me at the door and stay in the parking lot waiting for news.

I remember a very kind man telling me they were going to give me a migraine cocktail and find out what was going on.  I asked for my man, but moments later I was in blissful sleep. Hours later I was put in an ambulance to go to another hospital.  It was not a harsh migraine, but a blood clot!  

Wait? What? I didn't understand.  Why would I have a blood clot, in my brain no less?  A rare kind at that.  I thought that was something that happened to other people...older people with heart disease...or someone hurt in an accident.  Not me.  Not us!  

Later the next day I went to the ICU for those with brain trauma.  Another ambulance drive. Another MRI and more bloodwork. Day three I found out I'd had a stroke.  Seriously, people what was going on here?  I am mid 40s.  I am mostly healthy.  No heart issues.  Minor stuff all under control.  What was happening to me? To us?  Why was Hoss not here with me.  I needed him to hold my hand and talk me through this, to explain what the doctors and nurses were saying to me.  He was a phone call away, but it felt...it felt like he was on another planet far from me.

It was also day 3 that I was aware enough to know that I needed prayer.  I asked our small group leader to pray for us and God showed up in a mighty way.  For that I am beyond thankful.  Meals were brought to take care of our family, people prayed, and healing happened.  Spiritual healing was my greatest healing of all.  I am thankful for this path, this beautiful journey we have been given.  Yes, I say we.  Hoss, the kids and I and everyone who has been there has been through a lot of change and learned a great deal about life.  The value of it.  That things I felt were distractions were the most profound blessings of them all.

I will not go into detail about all the diagnoses and health complications as that could be a book in itself, but I have been healing.  I have had an awesome group of doctors who have been monitoring my progress.  They are keeping good track of all my medical needs, but I have been told by all that no one knows what caused this blood clot.  That it was some sort of fluke? I know that God knew the why and the how and all that jazz.  It's what has happened and the likelihood it will reoccur is just unknown, so we go on and heal and pray.  I am not afraid of tomorrow.  I am simply thankful today.

I am now at the place that I feel that all the pieces have fallen into place and my stamina is growing.  I am still here to watch our children grow.  We are finally looking at DD again.  It's always been there, but just in small bursts or stops and starts.  My sweet blessed man, Hoss, has done things he never thought he would need to do for me until I was older.  Things like helping me walk to and from the bathroom, shower and relearn how to navigate stairs.  He's held my hand as have many others.  I have learned to rely on him in a way I never would have otherwise.  His kindness, his hours of tears and worry, his constant prayers said on my behalf.  I am beyond blessed when it comes to him. Our children have helped to carry us with their sweet words of encouragement, laughter and struggles as well.  So many people to thank for such blessings that were bestowed.  People I loved and cared about showed up in a big way!   Human kindness was overflowing and still is and we am incredibly grateful for that.

For my blogging family that walked this journey with me.  Thank you will never seem enough.  To Lindy, Cat, Kanga Jo and Amy who showed up time and time again.  To Roz, EsMay, PK and Minelle who sent emails to encourage me.  Thank you and thank you and thank you!  Your words meant so much to me and to Hoss.   For the times that many prayed for me, thank you!  As I said before God showed up big time and allowed me to embrace this as a journey.  

I am still on that journey of healing.  When Amy and I decided to write the Christmas chapters back in December I was still far from recovery.  It was her editing and encouragement to dip my toe back into blogland that kept me going.

Hoss and I are just now seriously looking at DD again as something that needs to return in consistency and he wants me to blog again.  He knows it helps me.  So thank you readers and bloggers for reading this post.  For having the patience to stay with us through this journey.  If you want to ask questions, feel free.  Shoot me an email.  I will do my best to get back to regular responses and posts.  Know there are still some hard health days around here, but most days are good.  

May God's blessings flow down on you,

--Hoss and Baker