Saturday, June 16, 2018

Team I Vs. Team We

When Hoss and I were newly married I had a tendency to always say mine instead of ours.  Or I would refer to his side of the family instead of saying our family.  When we would argue I would have often say, “I can do this,” instead of, “we can do this.”  I know that it sounds like Baker is tripping over her words here, but let me see if I can explain better.

This is a typical discussion scenario we would have had pre-DD. 

Hoss: “We need to get the kids ready to go, we’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on.”

Baker: “Yeah, I’ll go get them ready.”

Hoss: “What can I do to help?”

Baker: “I don’t know.  I’ll do it.”

Hoss: “I can help.”

Baker: “Fine (said in a disgruntled voice)...I’ll send Kid X down with the clothes, you can get the little ones dressed.”

Fast forward half an hour and kids are dressed and we are ready to go. 

Hoss: “I’m going to go start the car.  Anything else we need to do before we leave?”

Baker: “No, I got it.”  

I, all by my little lonesome, would then spend the next ten minutes checking the diaper bag, shutting bedroom doors, turning off lights, fixing a snack to take, etc.  Note he only would say I when referring to a direct thing he alone could do.  Not so with me.  I was always the one always trying to be the martyr following on her sword to be the one to do EVERYTHING.

So I excluded him.  I treated him like he was incapable on many, many things.  I say this, even though it embarrasses me greatly to admit that I treated my sweet man so poorly.  I say this because it’s so much better now.  There is very little of this “I” team, it’s a whole lot more of Team We.

The reason I even bring this up is because I was away from my family for a conference for four days.  I had gone with my bestie and another friend we both know.  I did not know the other friend all that well, and she reminded me so much of my former self it was amazing.  She belittled her husband while on the phone while we were in the room, referred to him as another one of her kids, expressed many negative things about him.  Very rarely did we hear her say anything that positive about him. 
Folks, it made my heart hurt.  It reminded me of all of those years we wasted not being Team We.  I am keenly aware whenever I say “I” now.  I make sure I refer to either family as our family unless I need to specify as in Hoss’ mom instead of mine.  Also, we work as a team often making sure everyone is ready before walking out the door.  By doing this he is a stronger leader for our family.  He has always been the leader, but in title only.  Now, he truly is the HOH and we both prefer it that way.
I am still not the best at making sure I use the appropriate words, but I am much better.  DD has helped us considerably be more of Team We than Team I, and for that we are quite grateful.  Thank you, my sweet Hoss, for showing me the difference.

--Baker


15 comments:

  1. From an outsider's perspective (never having been married or a mom,) it seems like an awful lot of women turn themselves into the only one who knows how to care for their children when they become mothers. They insist on doing it all, because "he doesn't do it right." So you were hardly alone in that type of behavior... but no - it isn't fair.
    Of course, the father isn't going to do things like the mom, he's going to do it like the dad. You know - The Other Parent. The person who will help the child learn that there's more than one way to do anything.

    Sorry - I'm not yelling at you.
    It's just one of those frustrating things that I observe. Women who belittle their husbands, as you said, treating them as another one of their children, when most often, the issue is more accurately their own intolerance to any opinion other than their own.
    (I'm not doing very well at stepping down from the soapbox, am I?)
    OK, down now.
    I promise!

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    1. Jz,
      I didn't feel yelled at, at all. I just know that whilst going thru this I didn't realize how awful I'd actually been to my sweet man.
      Now that I saw it first hand recently I felt very convicted, but also extremely thankful that we found this whole thing and how much it has impacted us is amazing. I'm just regretful that it took us forever to find it, realize what needed to be changed and do what we're doing now. We are both better people for it.
      --Baker

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  2. What very thoughtful post, Baker. I think a change in language both with and about our partners is a significant part of the ttwd evolution. Even before ttwd I used to cringe at the ways some women would talk about their SO's. Now I am even more aware ... and so is Frank ... nj ... xx

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    1. I agree, NJ. I'm almost hyper sensitive to how I sound. I'm not saying either of us is perfect by any means, but the improvements have been so wonderful.
      --Baker

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  3. Hi Baker,

    This is a wonderful and thoughtful post. Words are powerful and how we phrase them makes all the difference. As the saying goes, there's no "I" in "team".

    Ttwd makes us so much more aware, and much better at communication.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz, I agree with everything you said about TTWD. It does make all the difference.
      --Baker

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  4. Good to hear you have changed from I to we Baker and become a team player. It is hard when you overhear others saying things about their partners. Makes me cringe to listen to the way they put their men down. That's the beauty of TTWD we respect our men, as we should. They deserve it and in turn give us all the loving we want.
    Well done.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. It is hard, Miss Lindy, to hear others say such things, but I must say it is so much nicer with TTWD/DD in place. We've both grown considerably. Disrespectfulness can easily be managed. Thanks for a great comment.
      --Baker

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  5. On behalf of the Amy and Eric household, WE would like to wish Hoss a very Happy Father's Day. And congrats to you both for finding a lifestyle that brings you together and allows you to live and work together rather than individually. Go team!
    Amy

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    1. Thanks, Amy, you let Eric know we are wishing him a grand Father's Day too. I'm so thankful we are on the same team too!
      --Baker

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  6. I hear you on this!
    It seems to be an acceptable norm to belittle men in our culture. I’m trying to be hyper sensitive to how insidious that attitude can be.
    Glad TTWD is helping! Our men are great!

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    1. They are awesome! I appreciate that others are also on the lookout on not doing this to their spouses.
      --Baker

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  7. Lovely and wise post, Baker. Okay...here's my two cent comment...if you end up around that woman or any other belittling her husband, that you call them out. I don't mean start WW III, but just a comment about how disrespectful or rude you find them. If their reply is that it's none of your business, inform them that as long as they are speaking like that within your hearing that it is your business.

    Hugs and Blessings...Cat

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    1. I appreciate your honesty. I will do just that! I need to have more guts in those situations.
      --Baker

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  8. This is really important. My Sir and I are not yet married, but we've been together for almost 8 years. I am working on saying things like ours, and the family, instead of your family, etc. It is hard.

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