Baker, Let Hoss Lead

As I was rereading my, "When Did...," post to publish again I was thinking through our summer thinking of the other changes that have been made.  One of the things that happened in our particular relationship is that I brought this to Hoss.  He did not ask for it.  He was not even sure he wanted it.  He questioned me.  Asking the benefits, why and how would we make it work, etc.  I had no idea.  I'd read, a lot.  I shared with him some of what I'd read.  We just knew we needed a change so desperately and I, personally, was tired of doing it all.  

I wanted him to take the lead and for the first time in our marriage I let go.  

I really and truly let go. 

Okay, not a 100 percent true.  

In my mind I let him lead.

Well, sort of.  

For awhile it felt like I was leading us into ttwd/dd.  For quite a while I was still trying to be THE BOSS by telling HIM how WE should do this.  I would criticize and question why HE did things this way or that.  Yes, most definitely, not him leading.  Some days were better than others.  More me topping from the bottom, I believe it is called.   It took me awhile to learn to step aside.  Or step back.  Back off, maybe.

We progressed.  

We learned.  

We experimented with things.  

I began to blog after tons of encouragement.  

This summer I've been learning to step back even further, as I really explored the "just being submissive without expecting dominance from him."    

Just working on me and my side of things.  

I needed to learn to hold my opinion, not talk over him or interrupt, accept that little annoying word, "No," when he put his foot down on some discussion or other.  Obey on things I struggle with, repeatedly.  

Those were issues he wanted me to improve on, but ones I just could not do, as it would, "Gasp!" require me to change. 

I know, hard, right?

Yes, I know, this is not news to anyone else, but me, well probably, but it was where I was at, for a very long time.   Kind of stuck, but slowly moving out of the mud into clearer waters.

Hoss said something that triggered me to reevaluate this further recently.  Something along the regards of, "Baker, you're only submissive when you feel like it."  

Okay, can you all just say, "Ouch!" in unison, so I can get it out of my head?

Unfortunately, what he said was probably true.  

Hush, now, I can hear you.

It was most definitely true.

We have always taken this slowly.

Snails pace slow, as we have many children here and sometimes (read a large part of the time) we just do not have time to focus on us.  

We want to.  

Us, is a priority.  

But people have to be fed around here.  

Things have to be cleaned.   

Schoolwork has to happen.  

Sports practices, scouts and church are normal, daily parts of the routine around here.  

Read, we are busy and Mom is well known for having a short fuse.  Like non-existent some days.

Momma and Daddy cannot stay in bed all morning and just focus on one another.   We do that occasionally, but most days that's just not possible.  

So, we make accommodations.  We stay up late or get up really early.  Spankings (good ones and discipline ones) happen early in the morning or very rarely with a silent implement and me hollering into a pillow with the television or radio playing loudly in the background with the kids told to go outside or watch a movie on the other side of the house.

We are growing a little each day.  

Set backs happen.  

Tuesday was a setback for me and a leap forward for us.  

I was melting inside.  Too many demands.  Feeling sick with an asthma flare up that would not calm down.  Kids were being very needy.  I called Hoss at work and he made suggestions.  I called my best vanilla friend who reminded me that kids are difficult some days.  Hoss called back to check in a few hours later.  I was better, but not coping as well as I should.  A second phone call from Hoss saying he was coming home.  He said I needed some stress relief.  He delivered and quite a bit of the angst and worry and stress faded away.  I was still not myself, but better.  The next day, he delivered maintenance and slowly I've been getting things better.  Clearer in my head and in my heart. 

I'm learning.  

He's stepping up more and more.  

I'm stepping back and letting him take the lead.

He's requiring more.  

Following through more.  

I think we grow at a microscopic rate.

Some days it's two steps forward and one step back.

Other times it's in leaps and bounds.

And still other times.... 

There's just us....

Holding on tight.... 

and loving the journey.

--Baker

Ella's Meme

Ella over at Ella Ever After, http://ellaeverafter0410.blogspot.com/ provided this lovely little meme and I finally had time to sit down and get my thoughts together.

1.  Name a tender song that can almost make you cry.  

Guaranteed tear jerker here is Danny Gokey's, "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again."  When my cousin passed last spring, I would listen to this song repeatedly.  It helped me to heal my heart.  

I also love, love, love, "You Are My Sunshine," as it was my Grandma's favorite.

2.  What is your favorite shade of lipstick?  What about nail polish?  If you do not wear lipstick or polish, what do you like or dislike about the shades you see others wear?

Personally, I rarely wear lipstick or nail polish.  Though I do not mind a nice soft lip gloss. If I do get talked into it, it's because I've allowed a child of mine to do my nails for me!  My mentor Baker was known for her bright colored lime green nail polish.  I thought it was wild and loved her uniqueness.  I think it's so up to the person what's right for them.  If you wear it or not it's up to you.  

3.  Name a children's nursery rhyme or song that you loved and to which you remember all the words.

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe," by Mother Goose

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread;
and whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

A predisposition towards being a spanko even as a child?  

Maybe the fact that I always wanted a houseful of kids and we actually ended up having a large family?  Who knows?

4.  What outfit would you put on in the morning if you wanted to feel happy and well dressed?  Something in which you think you look pretty damn good!

I just love a nice comfy pair of jeans or capris and a t-shirt, tennis shoes with my hair in a ponytail is how I'm most comfortable.

5.  If you had enough money to buy just one, would it be a cottage by the ocean or a cabin in the mountains?

Favorite place ever is the mountains, so that's an easy one to answer.  I took a graduation trip with a friend to the Great Smoky Mountains and it still remains my favorite place to visit.  I cried when Gatlinburg burned last fall.  It was where Hoss and I also went on our honeymoon.

6.  If you are old enough, which one of the Beatles did you have a "thing" for?  If you are not that old, tell us a musician that really did it for you.

LOL, not to be rude, but I'm way too young for the Beatles.   I really never had a favorite musician that I had a thing for, but I absolutely love Christian music and by far my favorite musician has been Rich Mullins.  His music has always spoken to me.

7.  Name a smell that you love - could be kitchen, outdoors, person, your choice.

Pumpkin spice, vanilla or apple cinnamon.  I also love the smell of fresh baked bread and homemade cookies.  I guess you could say I enjoy comfort smells.

8.  How often do you defuzz your legs.  Wax, razor, or electric?

Just a razor in the shower as needed.  


9.  How/why did you choose your blog name?

I so wanted to use, "No Cookie Cutter Life for Us," as it was a play on the name Baker, but Hoss said no.  He felt we might attract people not necessarily interested in ttwd or dd.  So Our Sweeter Approach to Life seemed a bit closer to what a ttwd name, and we went with that.  


10.  What do you like to eat for breakfast?  To drink?  Coffee or tea?

So I love hot chocolate or tea which are great with breakfast.  Though I love ice cream I actually rarely have it for breakfast.  To be honest, bacon is the best breakfast food in my book with a couple of eggs.   Or maybe a nice strawberry smoothie made with vanilla almond milk and greek yogurt if I'm in the mood for something sweet.

  

11.  How many siblings do you have?  Or are you an only child?  Are you the oldest, a middle, or the youngest child?

I have one older sister and I'm the baby by only 13 months.  


12.  What is your favorite salad dressing?

Honey mustard is my favorite salad dressing, but a poppy seed runs a close second.
    

13.  If you could sit next to anyone (alive) on a long plane trip, who would you pick?

I'm stealing Lindy from Downunder Dreaming  http://donwunderdreaming.blogspot.com/.  I have never flown and doubt I could without my sweet man, Hoss, beside me to talk me through the whole thing, so he'd be my own choice.  I have a feeling I'd have a sore bum to start the plane ride just to take the edge off.

14.  Have you ever gone shopping just to cheer yourself up?

Rarely to cheer myself up.  It's more of an escape from the kids to have the opportunity to be by myself.  I'm very introverted and time away to shop or really do anything without someone talking to me, is a favorite thing to do for me.  I cherish my alone time.


15.  If there is one thing that can make you lose your temper, what would it be?

I'm a hot head.  I have alot on my plate.  Before I had children I was very easy come, easy go and still can be as long as I plan well.  When I don't I lose patience very quickly with lost shoes or forgotten shin guards.  With Hoss its typically him being that one person to ask me to do one more thing that sets me off.  Yeah, I really struggle here, but ttwd is helping with this, all the time.  Answering with a sassy tone or sarcastic remark is usually the warning signs before a literally flip a lid.

  
16.  Tell us about the best photograph you have ever had taken.

I'm not sure if this means one I have taken or one I am in.  I have several great pictures that I have taken of the kids.  I'm not sure I have a favorite one of me though.  Hoss has one he took on his phone of us together on a scenic railway ride that I love, but I also have several selfies with the kids that I enjoy.  So, that's about the best I can say.

17.  Have you ever gone skinny-dipping and where?

No skinny dipping here.  Not sure if I could or would.  Hoss would have to do an awful lot of talking to get me over my inhibition to do so.


18.  What do you like on your pizza?  What don't you like on your pizza? 

Taco pizza, supreme without black olives or a ham and pineapple are my three top favs.

'

Thanks for stopping by.  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

--Baker

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Not too long ago Amy, over at http://eric51amy49.blogspot.com, suggested we repost our most read post of all times.  Now, Baker is young, only a little over 50 in and there were not a ton to choose from.  My introduction and LOL days were the most read post, but those are not really posts in my book, so much as a "Hey, you whooo!  I'm over here!" kind of posts.  So, I reposted this one as it was number 3 and it kind of surprised me that it was so popular.  I think it is very interesting which posts are the most read and after reading some of your blogs, it kind of makes me wonder and ponder why certain posts come to the forefront.  In a way it can represent who we are as bloggers to others in blogland.  I will let you all wondering and pondering what made this one my number #3 post of all time!

When Did........

Not so many moons ago we started this little adventure and as I was pondering things this morning I came up with the reality that I have no idea when things changed.  I’m certain it was and is the same for most of you as well.  So, here is a bit of my wandering thoughts.

When did Hoss become a spanko?  Like when did that happen?  My sweet man who has always treated me like a prize (and continues to do so) and would never hurt me has become, a spanko.  Now, you ask, how do I know this? Well, the man gets a certain twinkle in his eyes when he or I mention words like Bertha, Senor Loopy or Sid.  He smiles wide and is at peace just by saying one of their names calmly to himself.  Yes, my friends, when did this wonderful man find his inner spanko.  As the old Tootsie Pop commercial says, “The World May Never Know!”  

I still love the tootsie pop commercial from when I was a kid.

When did this go from something I wanted. to something we both crave?  I’d love to know when that transition occurred.  It started out as something to help me feel complete and it evolved into something so much more than just being about me and my needs.  It became about him, me, us.  It strengthened our resolve to not be a statistic.  To cherish one another daily.  

Well, not exactly that kind of craving, but well....

When did we slip into our roles of a traditional husband and wife?  It was something to help our marriage, yes.  But when did it become where I meet him at the door excited to see him.  No, not Ward and June Cleaver stuff, but definitely something that is more affirming, more romantic, more intimate. Where I know he is in charge and it makes my heart beat faster just thinking of him.

Awwww

When did the spankings make things go from, “Hey, I’ll do this for you, but I don’t want to hurt you,” to “Hey, get over here, I’m going to spank some sense into you?”  Like, seriously, when did that happen?  I want to know when he went from spank carefully, my wife is fragile, to spank happy man? There are days I want Mr. Spank Carefully to return.  Geez.

This one speaks for itself.

When did once in awhile “exercise” become apart of the daily routine.  It “came’ quickly, I’d say.  Let’s just leave that one alone, why don’t we…..

Duh, no brainer.

When did the focus change from individual, do your own thing, to checking in and making sure we were both good with our plans.  That need to be connected daily and when the connection is not there it is not ignored, but felt deeply.  And knowing there is a way to improve it.

When did we become so connected?  I never remember allowing myself to feel so deeply and yet feel so much more myself at the same time.  Our connection has grown, but I also feel like we are both still so uniquely individual, but more of who we were before, if that make sense.  It as though by being a stronger couple we are allowed the freedom to be more of who we are as individuals as well.

When did I allow myself this vulnerability?  I have always been such an independent woman.  Even as a little girl I “didn’t need any help” and yet now I crave his help.  I want and value his input and wisdom.  In allowing myself to be vulnerable, I’ve allowed him to be affirmed in his role as my protector and leader than ever before.

I could not choose between the two of these, so I'm giving you both.

When did all of these things happen?  I do not know, but I’m so thankful they did.

I could go on, but I’m also very curious from the rest of you out there.  When did….(fill in the blank) happen?  I’d love to hear from everyone who stops in, even if you do not have a when did, please feel free to just say, “Hi.”  Thanks again for reading.

--Baker

P.S. Pray I can get back into blogging more often.  Life is simply, so crazy right now for us. 
Hearing and reading has been sporadic, at best, on my part, and I'm missing being here.  You all are an incredible support system and I appreciate each of you.

Missing My Man

I am not here to belly ache.  

(Sorry, thought this was too funny!)

I am just coming around to get a bit of advice.  

(Another cute one!)

I'm a bit of a mess right now. 

(This was me yesterday, thankfully better today)

Hoss has been gone since Sunday and I was an emotional wreck yesterday.  Yes, I made it two whole days before becoming a sobbing puddle of tears.  

Tuesday, I talked with him, well, he talked to me on the phone as I cried.  Then I got off the phone and cried off and on for the next several hours feeling tired and overwhelmed.  Thank you to a couple of friends who helped me focus on the kids and tasks at hand and get along with my day.  As well as same set of friends who listened to my woes without me feeling like a complete idiot. I'm not a crier, so all of this emotional stuff really took me by surprise.  

So the benefits of DD/TTWD are you become closer, like crazy want-to-be-together-all-the time-and-all-melty-into-one-another-arms closer, well a lot of the time anyways.  The side note on that is when you become closer the feelings towards one another are stronger and you rely on one another so much more.  Hence, separation is equally hard.

I truly was feeling like a nut case yesterday, but I think I may have pinpointed a part of the problem.  I did something he told me not to do Monday. Like the man is out of town just at 24 hours and I just disregard him completely.   

Jump back to Monday with me.  I was out in the heat helping at my mom's house and he had asked me not to be in the heat. Simple request really.  His request is due to the fact that even though most of the thyroid problems are mostly settled I still have trouble regulating my body temperature.  Which means I keep getting overheated and ending up feeling miserable afterwards.  Well, I went anyway meaning to leave before it was too hot, but my sister unintentionally made me feel guilty for leaving, so I stayed on to help until I ended up with a nasty headache and exhausted.  Still with the only parent in town, I was pretty much out of commission for the rest of the day dealing with the headache.  Thankful for my older kids who were able to step in and keep the house running for a few hours so I could rest.

Monday night, I was feeling really yucky and not necessarily in a good place.  I was messaging back and forth with a ttwd friend who said I needed to text Hoss and confess.  She knew it was eating at me, and I did and therein lies his words, "I'm disappointed you keep putting yourself in this same situation."  That was the text.  No worse reprimand needed.  No threats of what was to come.  The fact that I had disappointed my sweet man and let him down was enough to plant the seed of sadness in my heart.  I hate it when I disappoint him.  He is very good to me and the kids and when I have downright just gaffed him off and disregarded his good advice it hurts.  It hurts him.  It hurts me.  It hurts us.  

It was my own fault.  So on Tuesday when I went to begin a big task I just felt overwhelmed and needy.  I was not in a good place.  I called him and he and I talked it out, but I just could not move past it.  He encouraged me in the task, telling me to break it down, do manageable chunks, etc. He comforted me with his words, but sometimes empathy is not helpful when I needed to clear the air and then be wrapped up in his arms.  I listened, but it was not enough.  I still sat moping and feeling badly.  I then messaged two friends.  One who sympathized and the other who told me to get busy. Find a way to make him proud.  Do the huge task as a way to make him proud.  I love that words and a kick in the tail can sometimes adjust my attitude around quickly.  Everyone was showing sympathy when I needed someone to say," nope, don't go there!"  I needed that.  Good friends, I tell you, are priceless.

But today I was feeling sick, like I was just exhausted and needed to rest because my allergies were giving me fits kind of day.  I did rest and I spoke with him a few times.  I sent him a picture of me with my right eye half swollen shut and he said, "You're still, so beautiful."  That's love right there folks, because I was not a sight for sore eyes or any other kind of eyes for that matter.  

So herein, lies my need for advice.  I still have until Saturday night before he returns.  I need to know what others do to cope.  I already have a busy day planned for tomorrow and want to keep myself busy as that is helping, but what other ideas do you all have out there.  I'm sure part of my problem lies in feeling guilty for my mistake on Monday and even though he and I have talked it out, we still have not dealt with the issue, if you know what I mean.  So, ideas on coping?  Ideas on what you do to keep yourself sane when your loved one is away from you for a few days or longer?  Thoughts?  Ideas?  Send them my way.  I'm open ears right now.  Well, technically, "open eyes," as I have to read and not hear what you are saying, but I digress.


--Baker

I Am Not In Disney's Circle

Nope, I’m not in Disney’s Circle.  Most of you are not either.  Most of you who do not have children at home, you empty nester types, may not even know that Disney has a circle.  The circle is actually a cube you plug into your computer, so it’s already a misnomer, but I will not be picky here.  The circle actually refers to those in your home (so I guess those in my circle of loved ones) who you wish to protect and use parental controls on.

My dear, sweet vanillee friend informed me about Disney Circle, thinking it would be so helpful for our kids.  Well, us parents really.  It helps you protect your little ones from locating things on the internet that they are too young to understand or do not need to be exposed to.  I got that part, the logistical and set up parts so went over my head, but being the good momma that I am I figured Hoss may able to handle that part of the equation.  So I forwarded him the link that my friend had sent me and voila!  The man goes out and purchases this thing.  Then the man hooks it up.  No worries, we have talked about establishing parental controls before on our children’s tablets and the laptops, so I was not concerned.  Oh, boy, I should have been!

You know what circle does?  It keeps the kids from reading, watching, etc. bad things on the internet. I am happy to prevent our children from “bad” things on the internet. Limiting their time on the computer or tablets to a decent amount each day.   Circle cuts them off when their time limit is up. Want to go to a website that seems innocent, but is not.  Does not allow access.  It really is a great and useful tool.  Until…..

You all know where this is going right?

Me, well, I had no idea the man was getting so much control.  He can shut the kids’ tablets down with one click of the phone for not completing chores or schoolwork.  He can limit the time they have access to the internet.  It truly is an amazing way to keep the time limit for the kids and to keep them from wandering into areas that their young minds are unable to process.  Except, I did not realize what also could happen.  Until…...

Guess who’s phone can also be shut down?

Guess who’s laptop can also be turned off?

No blogging.  No reading blogs.  No commenting.  No Facebook.  No messenger!  No internet!  No surfing for recipes or news articles.  Nothing.  Nada.  I was trying hard to remain calm.  Had he intentionally done this?  Surely not, I’m an adult after all.  Yes, well, there are days I do not wish to adult, but that is not typically the case.  I can monitor my own internet time and which websites I choose to visit.

Guess who was a sputtering wet hen when it happened?

Yup, me, you guess it!  Me!  It was not a pretty, sweet conversation, but a very upset, trying to bite her tongue wife and not explode when I called to say, “Sweet man, in your head of household role you cut me off of the internet!”  He was not as shocked as I was, but reassured me it was unintentional.  He was labeling each device and had not realized my phone was not one of the kiddos devices.  But the groundwork was set when he realized the potential.  He could limit my time on the internet.  He could limit where I visited.  He could do the same thing we were doing for the kids.  Plus, he had the control.  No fancy little control button permitted for this wife.

(This is not the Disney circle rating, but you get the idea)

Additionally, there are ratings as to what is allowed.  Think PG-13 or R, well, most of your blogs fall in those categories.  My dismay was heartfelt when I could not visit for a few days until the situation was remedied because he was working late and could not come home and figure out which device my phone actually was on the circle.  I plead my case that I need not have my phone within the circle.  That went unheeded, but I did get my ratings removed.  I had to go with no rating at all simply because some of the blogs literally would not come up under the adult rating.

(okay, maybe not, but that's a cute idea!)

Now, I can go anywhere online when I want as long as I am not in trouble.  I’m good with that, mostly.  He said that would change when summer ended.  See Hoss figured it out from my reaction over the loss of the internet and blogland for a few days that sometimes spanking is not the only thing to get my attention.  I always lived under the belief that he could not take my phone away due to me needing it for emergencies.  Well, he can now “shut” my phone down to anything except the use of my cell phone and texts.  So, wish me luck folks.  I have a feeling my submission will find an all new level if he takes my phone away, but hey, maybe it will help, as I am quite addicted to my phone.

I’m curious, who, if any of you have experienced a “grounding” from the phone as a form of discipline or removal of phone privileges for misbehavior.  Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

By the way, if this is a bit sloppy, my apologies.  I'm trying to get this finished and posted before a soccer game tonight and I'm not sure when I will have a chance to get back to it.

--Baker