Silence. Hours passed.
Sleeping opposite sides.
More angry words.
More silence.
Tired. Sad.
Hurting.
Ready for peace.
Calm words.
Gentle apologies.
Hard spanking.
Struggle to accept.
Sweet submission.
Cuddling.
Forgiveness.
Peace.
So, that’s my past few days in a nutshell.
I would love to say I could settle with being that short winded version of a post, but I would rather have answers to my questions and I’m hoping all of you wise folks will step up and help. Here’s what happened.
Tuesday night my man came home from a long day at work. We were suppose to decorate the tree, but I had forgotten about getting it up and in the stand, so the limbs could rest and fall naturally. Well, we were in the process when my man arrived home from work. We were using the wrong kind of saw to trim the lower limbs and trunk. Now, I knew this, but in my impatience to get the tree up I let the older boys use the wrong kind of saw. He was not happy to learn we were using the wrong saw and working far too hard when we had the right tools to do the job correctly, but could not find them. A problem that happens a lot when kids do not put things away properly. Lecture ensued for the boys about putting tools back and using the proper tool for the job. I could tell my man was upset with me for allowing this to happen at all. I choose to ignore him. That was probably mistake #1.
Can I just interrupt this post and say that whoever thought up cherry cordial hershey kisses was a genius??? It’s helping me write this post and I just could not help, but share my thoughts on how yummy they are….................
So, back to the discussion in the bedroom. I try to make small talk, does not work. I decide to go about my business of getting laundry done and such. I come back, hoping he is calmer. He is, a bit. I sit down to snuggle and hang out and not five minutes later our youngest waltzes in wanting me to read a book. We had just begun to talk, not the best time to interrupt. My hubby says, “not right now.” Um, mistake #2 is coming, I said, “yes, of course I will read to you." So, the little guy snuggles onto my lap and I read, “If You Take A Mouse to the Movies,” with him. (Can I just say it is completely possible to feel the heat radiate off a person when he is really angry?) The little guy was asking questions (wonder who he gets that from) and I answered the endless line of questioning and then tried to shoo him on his way.
(By the way, I love this little book!)
Little guy went off to play and I turned to my man. The discussion became heated very quickly. Not going into too much detail, but the conclusion is that I became very disrespectful and well, downright rude. Wow, that was very painful to admit on paper. Let’s just say that would have been mistake #3. Mistake #4 quickly followed by leaving the room under the pretense of sending kids to bed. Well, I just did not come to bed, for hours. I was angry and hurt and well, genuinely frustrated. I knew I was in trouble the longer I thought about it, but well, it did little to quell my anger or diminish my feelings that I was right.
So Wednesday morning rolled around and the argument continued. Not good. Not good at all. I tried to explain myself and put my foot in my mouth and chewed vigorously. Yes, more hurtful words passed between us and he left for work. I was devastated. Just an input here that my man does not like to spank in anger, and he was plenty angry, so no spanking happened. It was one of those arguments that would have last for several days before ttwd.
Well, that was not the only source of my sorrow, so I then proceeded to throw myself a bit of a pity party. Some of it was justified, it was a death anniversary of a precious loved one and even though she has been gone for years, it hit really hard this time. I’d also had a misunderstanding of sorts with a friend. I was also dealing with a SIL that has caused me problems in the recent past, but we had resolved the issue, but I then felt the need to feel guilty about it all. Let’s just say there was a lot of guilt going around and I was the one carrying it.
Interrupting again here to say that someone really needs to go to the store and purchase a large container of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. This post is taking forever to write and the cherry cordials are not cutting this little pouring out of the soul post…………….now, on with the post.....
So, all in all there was a ton of hard stuff going on in my heart and my disagreement with my man was upsetting me to the point that I was not eating and just wanting to curl up and cry. The man and I had an appointment at lunchtime at the bank, so I picked him up from work. We finally began to talk, gently. After the meeting, we had lunch and talked some more. He held my hand on the way to the car. By the time I was taking him back to work I was apologizing for my actions. He too apologized for his part. I did not need to ask what would happen later. That was a given.
Last night, after I took the kids to church for Wednesday groups, I went home to my man. He was waiting in bed. I crawled up next to him. He held me for a minute and said, “We need to take care of things before anything else can happen. Go get, Bertha.” I nodded and went to retrieve that blasted bath brush. As I started to get onto the bed he told me to drop my jeans. I asked about keeping my panties on. Nope, everything off. I complied. No arguing. I grabbed my big pillow and laid over his lap. Wrapping my arms around that huge pillow and tried to breath. He said, “thank goodness the kids are gone because I can be as loud as I want and so can you!” He started in spanking hard with no warm up whatsoever. Between the lecture and the spanks from him and me squirming and asking for him to let me up in addition to my ouching and pleas to stop it did get quite loud indeed.
Then about halfway through I squirmed away onto my side. Yes, big mistake, I know. I have no idea why I do that. Wait, yes, I do. My bum was on fire and I wanted that spanking to stop, gosh darn it! It did not!
With the admonishment to me that he alone gets to decide when the spanking stops I was ordered back over for some more. It felt like forever before he started to rub and talk, talk and rub. There were a few more swats as I was not quick enough in my answers, but for the most part those were with his hand. No tears on my part, which I had desperately hoped would happen. I wanted to cry so badly all day, but just could not.
Interrupting again, but for the last time. Wow, this is a long post. I need some hot chocolate. Wait, no I take that back. Too late for any more caffeine. Oh, wait, I just had a ton of chocolate. I guess it’s too late to worry about my caffeine intake, hot chocolate it is…………………..
I’m almost done here. So, after a good while of cuddling I was told to go and get the kids from church. I did not want to get in the van. I did not want to sit. Guess who went to get the kids? Yup, me. The Big Grinch. No early Christmas present for me.
The slate was clean, the air was clear, peace was ours, but this morning we did maintenance anyway. I just felt that I needed it. I knew things were on the up and up, but I just needed the reassurance that all was good. It hurt, but was not horrible. We are all good again. The pity party is over, so what’s the question? Well, I have several. Feel free to address all of them or just one or two.
What do you do when you know you deserve a spanking or have earned one, but he is too angry to handle it? Does your man spank in controlled anger? Is that easier to deal with than having to wait it out? Has things ever spiraled out of control for you to the point that you wondered where ttwd/dd had gone? Have you been left to stew on the issues and things have festered instead of being resolved? Examples are helpful for me. I’m trying very hard to figure out at what point I should have stepped back (I’m sure there are several) that could have fixed the problem before things snowballed.
(Love Calvin and Hobbes)
--Baker
We are still new, so I'm sure others have better examples than me. In the very beginning, I remember one fight where it started to get like it used to be pre-ttwd. Halfway through the raised voices he sent me upstairs for corner time. I think he was using that time to get his anger under control so we could deal with the issues because I was still plenty mad even after corner time (normally if puts me in the right state of mind but not that time).
ReplyDeleteBy the end of corner time, He was in control of his emotions even though the fight was still unresolved and right in the middle. He came upstairs and gave me a lecture that went something basically like, "even when you disagree with me you WILL respect me and not yell at me." The lectures was peppered with many swats that left me yelping and eventually In tears and remorseful.
He was right even if he was wrong; an ironic But true statement. He handled something wrong, but In those times I'm still expected to be respectful and kind; otherwise I will earn myself a spanking.
When the spanking was over, he calmly told me that I had another chance to voice my opinions in a better way that time. I did and we resolved the whole thing. What would've taken days to resolved took a very intense hour. It worked so well we do that most every time in the midst of an argument.
So I guess to summarize, in really intense moments, my husband uses corner time to gain control of his emotions so he doesn't have to wait to spank me
Hi, there,
DeleteI would say that stopping in the middle of an argument for time out is very beneficial. We have not used corner time. We have taken breaks from one another, i.e. walked away and came back to it later. Cat said in her comment below that sometime we just revert back and that's exactly what happened. Funny, but the old way hurts alot more and leaves no peace.
--Baker
Wow Baker...if I'd listened to all your suggestions, I'd have gained 10 pounds just reading your post! LOL I can't speak for everyone else, but yes, there have been several times where things spiraled out of control due to overreaction from one or both of us. My ex started spanking in anger towards the end of our relationship...big no no in my book and always had been in his. Matthew never spanked in anger. Yes, it is hard to wait for a spanking whether it's due to anger or physical distance or work or whatever. But, hey, that's part of the package. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou know that after a long day of working a stressful job, your guy does not want to come home to pure D chaos. A lot of this could have been avoided in the beginning...
...if you had not rushed and had the tree up
...if you had made the boys go get the correct tool
...if you had immediately apologized and not tried to excuse or direct his response.
...if you had not overridden his response to your little one.
You already know all of these...you were just feeling a bit stressed and fell back into default mode. You will do better next time. And yes, there will be a next time. ;) Hang in there...happy you two go the air cleared.
Hugs and blessings...Cat
Thank you, Cat, hindsight is 20/20, and yes there were times I could have stopped. My man often says the 5 Ps, Proper Planning Prevents P*** Poor Performance! I did default back, but once things were righted the new way things settled easily. Thank you for all your thoughts, very helpful!
Delete--Baker
Everyone is so different. For my dynamic, a lot of corner time is used, not sure if that is your thing.
ReplyDeleteHi, there,
DeleteWe have not used corner time and it is not something we have discussed. We have chosen to walk away from one another because things do not always work in a way that we could handle the situation right then anyway. This is still a work in progress.
--Baker
Hi Baker, no real answers for you here as this is not how we practise ttwd. I hope I have helped you though in our emails and you have all my sympathy. At least things are okay now
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
Dear Sweet Jan,
DeleteYou were extremely helpful in your emails yesterday and I am very thankful for your sympathy and your kindness. We are definitely a work in progress.
--Baker
Hi Baker, I'm so sorry you have had such a rough few days. Glad the slate has been cleared and peace restored.
ReplyDeleteRick has kn occasion spanked in controlled anger. Having to wait is hard as the unresolved feelings are left to fester in the meantime. These situations do and still happen occasionally, ttwd isn't a magic bullet, but I think ttwd allows us to resolve the issue and communicate a lot better and sooner, even if that isn't straight away.
Hugs
Roz
Roz,
DeleteYour words are very true. TTWD is not a magic bullet, but it a great way to resolve things and issues are typically resolved and not left to continue. I am not very patient and having to wait is pure agony sometimes.
--Baker
Calvin and Hobbes are at the thought of me favorites...and I love the breaks you take....those Hershey kisses are on my must buy list. M does not spank in anger, I hate to wait, He considers it part of my punishment or 'thinking time'. We always discuss after the fact, what went wrong, and other possible courses of action...for both of us. These used to happen more than I like to admit, but not that often now. We both have learned that 'escalating' is not what we want.
ReplyDeleteHe will tell me...stop and think...before you continue down a road you won't be happy with...and that is my signal. He reacts much more calmly than I do. As you know maintenance occurs every week here also, it is very helpful in keeping those 'bigger events' in check.
In your case, I would say...all's well that ends well....except for your bottom.
hugs abby
Hi, Abby,
DeleteI love, love, love Calvin and Hobbes. Cat said above that she would have gained ten pounds from all I ate. Well, I never got the ice cream out, no one here could drive, but me and the man was late getting home, so I had to go without. The kids were also stealing from my stash of candy as I was typing, so no worries there. The kisses are a must try if you love cherry.
Okay, I love the idea of being told to stop and think. He has said similar things before and we have also taken breaks from one another, which help, but do not always resolve anything. Yes, the bottom did not fair well in the making of this post, that's for sure. But alls well that ends well is correct!
--Baker
"Snowballed" is a very good description, Baker. Not sure I can offer concrete advice on where it could have changed, but I do know that it happens. Little missteps pile one on top of the other until you are feeling hurt and angry.
ReplyDeleteThe difference is that before ttwd, there was no resolution. The distance between us grew and there was nothing to stop it. A spanking seems to bring us both back to center and put the spat behind us.
Ella
Ella,
DeleteYou are very correct in everything you stated. I think everyone who has commented so far today has given me a great deal to think about. Yes, there is a huge difference between where we were when we started, and where we are now. There is a resolution to fix things, even if it means getting my butt roasted in the process. Thanks again!
--Baker
Baker,
ReplyDeleteWhen I see and feel his dsiappointment and his resolve to get us back on track, I usually get it back together. I think I approach situations like yours, everything coming to a head or arther a butt, with a leaning-in attitude. I so want to please him and is it really that important? I ask myself. So sorry that things went way wrong. We have all been there.
~~ Meredith
Thank you, Meredith,
DeletePlease know that your comment of, "is it really that important?" really resonates with me. Sometimes I forget that what we may be disagreeing about is not necessarily that important, but how I am responding most definitely is of the utmost important. I will put that in my heart and try to remember it next time when my mouth takes hold with disrespect.
--Baker
Baker, this is a good example of how difficult it is to be in a ttwd marriage when you have children at home. I couldn't have done it, so kudos to you for going down that route. You've already had lots of good advice, there's nothing I can add. I'm glad you got it resolved in the end, though your bottom won't have thanked you for it!
ReplyDeleteRosie xx
Hi, Rosie,
DeleteI would say that yes, it is hard, very hard, but I am so glad we are doing it. You are right, my bottom did not thank me for it, but I think it has forgiven me. LOL!
--Baker
Hi Baker,
ReplyDeleteOn our journey through the later stages of our lives we have learnt that fighting never solves anything. Because we have few interruptions (except for jealous dogs and cats) it is much easier to just stop, take a few deep breaths then tackle the issues. Just stopping and deep breathing is enough of a circuit breaker to allow us to reset and begin again....and never, NEVER, spank in anger.
Thanks, Don,
DeleteYes, it will be easier at some point, just not now, but your words are true. Taking a deep breath and stopping are very much in the helpful category of how to stop the argument from proceeding. Thank you for your input, it is very helpful.
--Baker
My heart was pounding when i read this!! Unfortunately i don't have time to answer,but these are good questions. Hope to catch up. I am new to your great blog,so,Hi :)!
ReplyDeleteBibi
My heart was pounding when i read this!! Unfortunately i don't have time to answer,but these are good questions. Hope to catch up.I am new to your great blog,so,Hi :)!
ReplyDeleteBibi
Hi, to you too, Bibi,
DeleteI'm not sure if your heart pounding is a good thing or a bad thing? LOL! I'm glad you stopped in to say hello!
--Baker
I am sorry that you had such a difficult time. I can not offer any advice, only hugs. And it sounds like you received lots of wonderful feedback above. Hope all is well now. By the way, I loved all your little side notes. :-) Take care
ReplyDelete